What if the Director of Indian Cricket, Ravi Shastri, were to direct the Batman trilogy instead of Christopher Nolan? How would Shastri have shaped some of the legendary dialogues? The UnReal Times brings you a glimpse:

When Harvey Dent was first introduced to Bruce Wayne…

When Joker gatecrashed a meeting of Gotham’s mob bosses…

When Catwoman warned Bruce Wayne of the future…

When the Joker gatecrashed Bruce Wayne’s fund-raiser for Harvey…

When the Joker sneaked into Harvey Dent’s room at the hospital…

When Bane threw Bruce Wayne in the Pit…

When Alfred urged Bruce to pick himself up…

When Harvey admitted that he was the Batman at a pres conference…

When Batman pulls the Joker back after shoving him off the roof…

When Batman escaped into the night…

(Images from youtube.com)

(With inputs from UnReal Mama [Karthik])

India’s biggest media conglomerate, the Times of India Group, has asked its employees to declare all their personal accounts on social media networks such as Twitter and Facebook and asked them to refrain from sharing news related links. The official explanation for what many see as an autocratic policy impinging on the freedom of speech is that TOI merely seeks to get its policy in line with international organizations such as The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. What is the real reason though? Why did TOI suddenly decide to regulate its employees’ accounts?

Does it have anything to do with a certain Sagarika Ghose joining the print group? We decided to go through her Twitter timeline.

This was her first tweet on the day of her joining:

Amazing to meet same securityguard at @timesofindia from the time I started my career there over 2 decades ago! we recog each other at once!

— Sagarika Ghose (@sagarikaghose) August 25, 2014

And then all hell broke loose:

And the rest is history.

(With inputs from UnReal Mama [Karthik])

(Image via thehindu.com)

A large number of parents in Bangalore, mothers in particular, have instructed their children to call them up after crossing the Nayandahalli signal safely. The trend has taken root in the wake of the Nayandahalli signal becoming a vortex of chaos and accidents.

“Earlier, I used to ask my daughter to give me a call whenever she would safely reach Chennai or Tumkur or any other city, but thanks to the Nayandahalli circle being the way it is, out of extreme tension and worry, I’ve made it mandatory for her to give me a call or text me or at least give a missed call to let me know that she has crossed the signal safely,” said Chintamani, mother of a college-going daughter.

Like Chintamani, hundreds of mothers and some spouses have made it a habit of checking on their loved ones when they expect to cross the Nayandahalli signal. “The worry and tension is just too much to handle!” said Geeta, another mother. “My daughter has to battle unruly and erratic lorries, over-speeding BMTC buses, extreme pollution and last, but never the least, horrible, stony, muddy roads that could topple her vehicle either way! Even the most dangerous highways are probably not as bad. ”

“It has now become a common sight on the Nayandahalli circle. Scores of two-wheelers, after successfully managing to cross Nayandahalli, park their vehicles to the side, make a quick phone call and then move ahead,” said Basavanna, a bus commuter who boards his bus at the Nayandahalli bus stop everyday. “Earlier, prior to the construction of the flyovers as well as the metro line, Nayandahalli was the city’s biggest bottleneck and clean-shaven men would grow beards by the time they cleared the signal. People even saw Lagaan completely on some days, while waiting at the signal. We thought construction of flyovers would make it better – it has, but only for the people who take the flyover,” Basavanna added.

Hospitals on the Mysore Road highway have, however, been very pleased with the Nayandahalli signal. “Boss, thanks to the way Nayandahalli signal is, we’re making a fortune. People check in every day by the dozen. Peak hours of the day are the busiest hours for us too! Our hospital’s profits will drastically drop should any improvement be made to this signal,” Chatri Baddi, manager of a hospital on the Mysore Road highway told The UnReal Times.

WWE wrestling legend, The Undertaker, joined the Aam Aadmi Party, moments after it was brought to light that a ‘dead’ member of the party was found alive in Bangalore City. The 7-foot giant, who walked in to the AAP office in New Delhi, in his characteristic style, removed his black hat and was presented with the AAP topi by former Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal.

“It feels amazing to be a part of a political party that accepts dead men walking. Frankly, I was very confused about what I would do with my life post WWE, but AAP has thankfully been just the thing I would want to do for the next phase of my life. My welcome was awesome, though there was a minor hiccup during my entry, when the lights were off, as they should have been – a panic-stricken Arvind rushed to the power mains, yelling that Ambani agents and BJP goons had turned power off so as to disrupt my welcome. He then turned the lights on and spoiled it for me!” The Undertaker cringed.

“But then it was fine. The Ashutosh, a huge fan of WWE, explained my entry to Arvind and it was clear. I’ve had some really invigorating sessions with The Ashutosh. He explained how he led an AAP mob to the BJP HQ a few months ago, where they threw chairs and bricks at the office. The similarities between AAP and WWE are many – for starters, the use of chairs and the fact that both are scripted dramas which many people enjoy as entertainment. There was this one chap, Kumar Vishwas, who mouthed dialogues like Undertaker ho andar hi rehna chaahiye (The Undertaker should just stay in) and stuff like that, but it’s ok – no one takes him seriously anyway,” Taker added.

However, a few hours later, trouble brewed in the party as reports of The Undertaker choke-slamming and tomb-stoning Yogendra Yadav in unbearable rage came in, after the latter began to give a dose of sanctimonious, self-righteous advice to the wrestler.

Imagine if the world suddenly were to end, what would happen around us? We can probably visualize the chaotic scenes in our cities and on the streets; we’ve seen enough of those in apocalypse movies (and by that we mean Hollywood movies like Armageddon and End of the World, not Humshakals). But what would happen on Twitter, considering that chaos is more the norm than the exception on the popular social media network? Here’s one scenario:

Image via Indiatoday.In

Former Bollywood actor (editor: ROFL) Uday Chopra has hired Team India director Ravi Shastri to revive his fallen acting career. The move was spurred by Team India’s resurgence under the guidance of Shastri, as the boys regrouped after the humiliating drubbing in the Test series to clinch the ongoing ODI series against England.

“Man, I had thought that by hanging around with someone like Nargis Fakhri, my image would improve,” an excited Chopra exclaimed. “Of course, a lot of single guys began to respect me a great deal because of this, but after reports of our breakup began to float around, the jokes started once again. I was initially considering roping in Amit Shah, but the BJP’s bypoll loss to the secular alliance in Bihar proved that even he is not infallible. But Ravi bhai’s turn-around of the Indian team’s fortunes has been nothing short of epic. Especially Virat Kohli scoring 40 runs. Man! If he gives me such a makeover, I’ll likely do better than even Sallu and SRK.”

Chopra said that he had already received warm vibes from Shastri. “When I went to him and explained my situation, he was more than understanding. He said, ‘Don’t worry, Uday. You’re a cool customer, with loads of experience. You’ve obviously taken some time..err almost 15 years to get your eye in. But once you pick your spot and give yourself some room, you can go for the full monty (sic).’ I’m guessing he means that I’ve to do an act like Aamir Khan in PK! He also asked me if I liked Indian curry!” the 41 year old gushed.

Trade analyst Taran Adarsh was all praise for Chopra’s decision and gave it a 4.5 rating. “One should remember that Ravi bhai isn’t a newbie to all this. He’s been an ace playboy in his heydays and as he has himself stated earlier, Uday knows exactly where the boundary line is and has just got to play his natural game.”

However, in what could possibly be a last minute hiccup for the Chopra scion, sources added that there is a great deal of effort going on in the Ekta Kapoor camp to poach Shastri’s services to resuscitate the career of Tusshar Kapoor.

PM Modi marked Teachers’ Day by interacting with hundreds of students at Manekshaw Centre in New Delhi, which was broadcast live to schools across the country. After the address, the action shifted to Facebook where media and political pundits were on hand to spin-doctor, dissect and analyse the speech. Here are snippets:

 (With inputs from UnReal Mama)

A delighted…like…US teenager

Succumbing to the inevitable, schools in the United States of America have decided to put a full stop to the use of the full stop and other punctuation marks, and have them all replaced with the word “like”.

“This was bound to happen soon. Punctuation marks have lost their purpose in the language. Everyone’s just using ‘like’ everywhere – at the beginning, middle and end of each sentence. Our emphasis on punctuation seems to find no takers. So we’ve officially decided to make the transition to using ‘like’ as a punctuation mark as well as with all parts of speech, such as conjunctions, interjections and so on,” said Susan, a senior English teacher at a reputed school told The UnReal Times.

Students are upbeat about the decision. “Like…it’s cool, man…like…we anyway like …often like…use the word like …like everywhere! So…like …it’s about time…like…English…like…really changed itself…so it’s like…finally…like…happenin!” said Joe, a middle-school student.

President Obama, however, expressed his disappointment at the decision. “I was on my way to setting up new ‘like’ deaddiction and rehabilitation centers as a part of the new Obamacare health plan. I was planning to tell those who wanted to get ride of the ‘like’ addiction that, YES WE CAN! In the worst case, I was planning to order drone strikes on those who continued to use ‘like’ everywhere. But I’m sad that it isn’t happening,” President Obama was quoted saying.

Meanwhile, Indian educationist Dinanath Batra filed a precautionary PIL demanding that unnecessary use of the word “like” be made an offence, as it is against Indian culture. This time, however, Batra’s decision raised no eyebrows. “It’s ok, yaa, for this one time, even I wouldn’t call it saffronisation and raise a hue and cry. I’m sick of people using ‘like’ at all possible places,” said a leading liberal.

Image via indiatoday.com

The BJP has announced that the vice-president of its Delhi unit, Sher Singh Dagar, who has been caught on tape trying to bribe an AAP legislator in a sting operation by the AAP, would be moved to the BJP’s “Marg Darshak Mandal” with immediate effect.

“That’s right, the Marg Darshak Mandal has space for a lot of our folks and with all his experience and competency, Sher Singhji is a perfect fit for the group. This was waiting to happen, for quite some time now. The BJP is never short of such people and there are loads of potential Marg Darshaks waiting to be inducted into this group,” a smiling BJP president Amit Shah told The UnReal Times. “AAP folks who did the sting operation weren’t the only ones secretly recording Singh’s remarks, you see,” Shah added with a wink.

Shah also mentioned that senior BJP leader LK Advani, one of the first members of the Mandal, has been requested to maintain a blog detailing the Mandal’s activities and has also been asked to ready a welcome post for Dagar. “But I told Advaniji that there’s no pressure on him, though. Because if he’s not gonna do it, I’m gonna do it on his behalf,” Shah added, with another wink.

The news has brought in mixed reactions within the BJP camp, with Finance Minister Arun Jaitley posting, “One small incident of a bribe has impacted us so much. It’s not as if it was a 100 crore package!” on his Facebook page, before deleting it.

“Given the public’s impression of her, we’re also thinking of moving Smritiji into the Margdarshak Mandal, but I’m afraid that she will add that one as well, to her list of degrees and cause the Mandal more embarrassment than it already is worth,” Shah signed off, before heading to address a meeting of the Mandal, only to find members in a meeting with Ranjit Sinha.

The news of being promoted to the “Marg Darshak Mandal” has left Sher Singh stunned. “Suspend me, expel me, even prosecute me, but please please don’t kill my political career by pushing me into the geriatrics, I mean, Marg Darshak Mandal, guys. I still have some years of active politicking left in me,” was his plaintive appeal to the BJP top brass.

Spamming Upcoming author and former CNN-IBN editor-in-chief Rajdeep Sardesai has charmed the Apple family, by developing the first-of-its-kind “Moral Compass” app for the company’s newly launched iPhone6.

“I’ve been one of the most respected and admired journalists for 25 years,” Rajdeep told reporters at a grand launch of his app, presided over by dear friend and AAP ideologue, the baap of all morality, sanctimony and self-righteousness, Yogendra Yadav, “and I’ve always prided myself on my integrity. The next generation of journalism deals with providing news to smartphones but it’s important we in the profession don’t lose one thing and that’s the moral compass. That was the driving force behind me developing this app.”

In what seems to be the mother of all marketing tie-ups, those who purchase the app from his personal website will be getting a free copy of Rajdeep’s upcoming book “2014 The Election That Changed India” and vice-versa, along with complimentary Old Monk coupons at reputed pubs across the world. In an exclusive demonstration of the app for The UnReal Times, Rajdeep said that the app would comprise the following salient features:

1. F Off – The F Off feature of the Moral Compass app would measure the user’s Old Monk levels and would automatically tweet F Off, if the level is beyond a threshold. The F Off tweet would also be followed by a “playing victim” tweet, complaining about abuse from Modi bhakts. The more the “F Off” + “play victim” tweets, the more the morality.

2. Nemo Namo ha – The “Nemo Namo ha” feature of the moral compass detects lines about Narendra Modi and automatically appends a comparison with Rajdeep’s dog, Nemo in the article. For example, a line in an article draft with 25% morality read “Narendra Modi urges babus and netas to go online and communicate with people,” – the moral compass changed it to, “While Namo urges babus and netas to go online, Nemo urges people to take him for a walk,” and the morality score shot up to 75%.

3. Tyranny of distance – The “Tyranny of distance” feature in the app detects reports about religious crimes caused in the north-east or where the instigators are from “a particular community,” it automatically replaces the report with a few paragraphs on the “tyranny of distance” and why it doesn’t allow such incidents to be reported. Reports citing the tyranny of distance scored 90% on morality.

4. Block Gaurav Sawant – The moral compass automatically blocks India Today’s Gaurav Sawant on Twitter.

Sources, however, informed The UnReal Times that there have been post-launch hiccups in the Sardesai-Apple deal, with CEO Tim Cook raging mad at Yadav, yelling, “WTH man! After everything, he tells me that Apple products so ridiculously expensive and huge, the aam aadmi can’t afford them and begins preaching to me! I can’t take this!”

The results of the recent bypolls in Uttar Pradesh, Gujarat and Rajasthan have hardly been favorable for the BJP, leaving the ruling party with a lot to introspect on, before the upcoming state elections in Maharashtra and Haryana. TV news channels were abuzz in excitement over the results and it was only a matter of time before the discussion spilled over to social media. The UnReal Times correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you exclusive snapshots from the Facebook walls of various BJP leaders:

Image via sarkaritel.com

Former California governor and Hollywood actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced that he will soon be implementing Tamil Nadu Chief Minister J Jayalalithaa’s “Amma Unavagam” all over California. The Amma canteens will sell idlis at 1$ apiece.

“It was amazing to meet her! She took me to one of the unavagams and I had an idli for just a rupee! That’s when I realized that we could have the same thing in California too! Lakhs of Indians in the state, especially in the Bay Area cringe, when they have to go to Saravana Bhavan and pay as much as 7$ for just 2 idlis, with a spoon of chutney and sambar. I went to Saravana Bhavan once with my family and was shell-shocked on seeing the bill! Now I told them I won’t be eating there anymore. They were stunned, they said ‘But you told us you’ll be back. What happened?’ and I said, ‘I lied! Hasta la vista, baby!’ ” Schwarzenegger told The UnReal Times.

President Obama, however, readied his plans for retaliation. “Strategic issues aside, one of the key items on the agenda when Mr.Modi comes down here to meet me, would be the setting up of Namo tea stalls in the United States, at 1$ a cup. We can have that sort of thing implemented here. As a matter of fact, I even told Modi ‘YES WE CAN!’ and he replied ‘Yuss, we will!’. Your move, Arnold!” Obama said.

The announcements have come in for thunderous applause from Indians all over the US. BJP leader Subramanian Swamy, however, accused Arnold of poor governance. “Surely, his ancestors aren’t Hindus. So I can see why he’s doing a bad job,” Swamy said, before having another defamation case filed against him by Jayalalithaa, within minutes of his statement.

Image via economictimes.com

A US-based Indian has sought treatment for severe depression, after he accidentally mispronounced a word with an Indian accent, thus leaving him, in his own words, “devastated and embarrassed.”

“Ah, it’s been like…kwrazy, mane! I just down’t know hauw id awl heappened!” Tim Chris, otherwise known as Thimapa Krishna told The UnReal Times. “But I’ve been like..so fwreaked awut about it and I’ve just not, like been able ta swleep…owar eat…owar…even bathe in peace. Id awl heappened juring the other daye, whun I was like, with ma Amewrican frenz and we wuvre like maykin some good jokes…eeeyaaand…thaa wus when I accidenaully..phew!…said my vehicle’s caanked up, instead of ‘my veeyucle’s’ caanked up.”

“I’ve been feelyn all naked and stuff, mean! Like ma peants are down, ye knouw! My life’s been like…so scwrewed up since that day and I finaully like…reeyalized thad I like…need healp, ye knouw!” Tim added, before signing off.

“Theynk yew sow much fer this interview, guys. I, like, wreely wreely ppreeciayde it,” said Tim, before our correspondent pointed out to him that he had said, “interview” instead of “innerview.”

“Ow deer wlowrd !!!! I just like ..did it agayn!!!!!! Somebody kyll me…like wright naaw!” Tim groaned in frustration, before crying inconsolably.

Tim’s colleagues back in India expressed shock and concern over his situation. “When he was here with us, he was fine wonly, paa. Suddenly I don’t know what happened to him when he went there. Week after week, during awar conference calls, we began to gradually notice his changing accent. Soon, it started becoming difficult for us to decipher what he was saying. But I still didn’t know he was trying this hard. Poor fellow,” said his colleague from India, Tamilselvam.

Tim’s counselor, Dr.Vaidya, mentioned that the problem was nothing serious and he just needed more practice. “People ain’t wong when they say, “pwactice maykes a mean purfect, ye know!” Look eh me, do I eevin saawund like um Injin?” a smiling Dr.Vaidya asked.

(Image via indiatoday.com)

Under fire for an insipid, lackluster voice-over in his recent interview with CNN’s Fareed Zakaria, PM Narendra Modi announced that he will use the “Talking Tomcat” app for his voice-over in future international interviews.

“After the one with Karan Thapar, this is the only interview where I’ve gotten so many gaalis, quite a few of them even from my own supporters,” PM Modi told The UnReal Times. “Many of them mentioned that it was the first ever time they slept through a Modi interview. There was only one person who called this as my best interview ever and that was Malini Parthasarathy ji of The Hindu,” Modi added.

“I then decided that from my next international interview onwards, I’ll use the Talking TomCat app for my voiceover. People will at least laugh, instead of giving me gaalis and bashing me,” Modi said. According to sources, Modi has hired a special celebrity app designer, Toy Pasta, to re-design the Talking Tomcat app with added Hindi to English translation abilities.

A number of Modi admirers have welcomed the move, with eminent economist Bibek Debroy tweeting:

So it’s going to be a cat that would talk,
And be more entertaining than Jack and the Beanstalk!
This is an interesting plan that Modi has come to chalk,
but will the cat’s talk be one that it could also walk?

However, fresh trouble brewed in the ruling party, with animal rights advocate and Minister for Women and Child empowerment, Smt. Maneka Gandhi raising her voice against the PM’s decision. “So what if it’s digital? An animal is being subject to the cruelty of translating the PM’s laborious statements and speaking them out cheerfully and funnily. This is not fun, Modiji!” Gandhi thundered. She was soon supported by Congress leader Mani Shankar Aiyar. “Wow, Maneka! That’s bloody awesome! Spoken like a true Nehru-Gandhi girl!” exclaimed Mani, wiping tears of joy.

Image via indiatoday.com

In a proud exhibition of his Indianness, Prime Minister Narendra Modi mentioned that even he has been requested by close friends of his to purchase a number of iPhone 6 devices for them during his visit to the United States.

“Barack bhai was asking me the list of action items on our agenda. There were various topics to discuss – Al Qaeda, ISIS, Visas, Patel brothers’ groceries and so on, but I explained to him that like any Indian, I too have fallen prey to friends and relatives who request US-bound travelers to buy iPhones for them. Thankfully, Barack bhai said ‘Yes, we can!’ and I said ‘Yuss! We will!’ Michelle ben will be taking me to the Apple store towards the end of our sessions,” PM Modi told The UnReal Times. “I tried telling all those who requested me, ‘Make in India,’ but they just didn’t listen,” a sad Modi added.

Modi disclosed that Amit Shah, in particular, was strongly interesting in buying one. “He mentioned something about the iPhone6 having an amazing zoom facility in its camera and said that it would be very useful for him,” Modi said. “Smriti ben also wanted one and expressed interest in adding it on her resume. Hema ben too, asked me to buy one for her and also urged me not to buy any iPhones for Vrindavan widows,” Modi added.

The AAP, however, went all guns blazing at the PM. “Who is paying for these phones? Where is this money coming from? Why is PM going for Apple devices? I use a Nokia 1100,” tweeted former Delhi CM Arvind Kejriwal. In a display of sheer class, The Ashutosh, too, put across his point in as terse a manner as possible:

The PM signed off by coming up with this acronym in his characteristic style – “iPhone – Indians Pestering Home-bound Outsiders No End :)”

Image via indiatoday.com

Red-faced (pun intended) at the unprecedented success of India’s maiden Mars mission, which also gained the distinction of being the world’s cheapest, and under tremendous pressure to mount a tit for tat reaction, sworn enemy Pakistan has announced that it will launch an even cheaper and even more state-of-the-art “Straight to Heaven Mission.” The mission will be headed by Pakistan’s opening batsman, Ahmed Shehzad, who recently propagated the idea of going straight to heaven to Sri Lankan cricketer Tillekaratne Dilshan.

The Pakistani military-jehadi establishment was initially caught in a fix after the North Koreans told them that they don’t have a missile that can travel all the way to Mars and orbit it. They were all set to revise science text books to say that there were only seven planets in the solar system until Pakistan batsman Ahmed Shehzad put things in perspective. “It doesn’t matter whether we fire a Sivakasi rocket or a cheap Made in China missile. Since they have been launched by true believers, they will go straight to heaven,” Shehzad emphasized in a PowerPoint presentation to the Pakistani scientific community.

After that it was only simple matter of taking a North Korean missile repainted as a Pakistani missile and applying a new layer of paint proclaiming it as the “Straight to Heaven” mission.

Putting all political differences aside, Pakistan’s streetfighterPTI chief Imran Khan too said that the need of the hour was to hit back at India and said that he didn’t mind risking his life to go on the Heaven Mission. “Just put me in a tanker and send me up, I’ll have no fear,” the erstwhile playboy cricketer-turned-politician is supposed to have said. “I promise I’ll go to heaven, come back and get married too,” Imran apparently added.

“So what if you guys have ISRO? We have ISIS!” thundered 26/11 mastermind and JuD chief, Hafiz Muhammad Saeed to good friend Ved Pratap Vaidik. Sources added that the Nawaz Sharif regime is mulling firing off the rocket from atop the head of pacer Mohammad Irfan to save on some of the initial distance to be covered.

Image via indiatoday.com

Averting what would have likely been a major crisis for the party, the Congress restrained Bandra MLA Baba Siddique from attempting to patch things up between the Shiv Sena and BJP, who have more or less dissolved their political marriage.

“Phew! Taking a leaf out of the recent bypoll results in UP and Bihar, the major part of our strategy was making sure that Rahul baba didn’t campaign in Maharashtra,” disclosed Maharashtra Congress chief Manikrao Thakre. “We sat back carefree and relaxed and enjoyed our popcorn, watching the BJP and the Shiv Sena fight everyday over seat-sharing. The coast was almost clear for us with or without NCP, when I suddenly saw some SRK and Sallu fans fighting it out on Twitter. That’s when I realized that we could still shoot ourselves in the foot, courtesy our very own Baba’s penchant for brokering peace and massaging egos of erstwhile allies turned foes.”

“I immediately asked some of our workers to head to Baba Siddique’s house. In the nick of time, they thankfully stopped Babaji, who was, in fact, about to take his car and head to Uddhav’s house to meet Amit Shah. Phew! That was really close,” exclaimed a relieved Thakre.

Siddique, meanwhile, expressed his disappointment at the unexpected turn of events. “It breaks my heart to see people quarrel. Just this morning, there was a cat chasing a mouse in my backyard. I dragged both of them and we had a group hug. I repeated the exercise until the cat and the mouse hugged and scampered away to their destinations. I caught the news on TV about the BJP and Shiv Sena fighting like school kids and I decided to head over to Uddhav’s place, but these workers came out of nowhere and stopped me. Sigh!” Siddique cried out to The UnReal Times.

“Never mind, though. One has to move on in life. I have a big list of people on my list to patch up – Madhu Kishwar and Smriti Irani, Deepika Padukone and Times of India, Scotland and Britain and so on. Let me get back on it,” Siddique signed off. However, minutes after that, Baba got a call from 10, Janpath seeking his assistance in getting Sharad Pawar back on talking terms with Rahul Gandhi and prevent the NCP-Congress alliance from rupturing.

If you are a Newshour regular, at some point of time you’d have wondered aloud, “Why does this Jha chap appear on Newshour day after day despite getting blasted by Arnab?” Now we know why:

(Image thumbnail sources: 2-1, 2-2, 4-2, 5-1, 5-2. Rest via indiatoday.com)

Image via indiatoday.com

Rajdeep Sardesai’s brawl on the streets of New York City might have earned him a lot of criticism, but it has also won him an invitation to return to his alma-mater, NDTV, and host their long-running show, The Big Fight.

“People absolutely loved Rajdeep a decade ago when he hosted The Big Fight with so much conviction and charisma. Rajdeep became a star of news television because of that show. The show has never been the same ever since, with Vikram Chandra being as gentle as a feather and actually facilitating rational debate in these times of fish markets. The times have changed significantly now and unless we have Rajdeep back on, our dream of beating The Newshour in TRPs will remain a dream forever,” NDTV chief Dr.Prannoy Roy told The UnReal Times.

“In his new avatar, we expect Rajdeep to raise his hands and start beating up participants who offer views contrary to his. The ideal scenario would be Rajdeep talking about ethics, class, decency and then going on to hurl abuse at a panelist, the panelist returning the abuse and then Rajdeep charging ahead to beat the sh*t outta the panelist. With such a model, we plan to relaunch NDTV’s The Big Fight as ‘The Biggest Fight’ and effortlessly beat not just The Newshour, but also Roadies and Bigg Boss in terms of action,” Dr.Roy added.

India Today chief Aroon Purie has apparently mentioned that Rajdeep’s move again, this time from the IT group back to NDTV, won’t affect them as much. “Look yaar, I don’t care where he is, as long as he’s employed with some news channel and is doing journalism. No one would want the torment of Rajdeep publicizing his book and constantly spamming Twitter feeds with secondly updates on it all over again,” Purie is supposed to have said.

Unconfirmed reports also suggested that Viacom18 Motion Pictures are planning to release a sequel to Mary Kom with a mighty, powerful and punch-landing Rajdeep as the villain. “I am not going back to Network18 again! I am in talks with Sylvester Stallone to star in the next installment of The Expendables series and will likely take it up,” Rajdeep apparently said.

(Image via indiatoday.com)

US-returned Indian, Adhbut Kumar woke up to a pleasant surprise on Tuesday, when he heard that he was selected for an award by the Indian government for something he did not do – complain about slow internet after returning to his homeland.

“Slow internet is the new bad roads, bad traffic, pollution etc for foreigners and our own US-returned desis. Tweeting about slow internet is the very first thing US-returned Indians do moments after landing and reaching home. Even your own shameless columnist hasn’t refrained from doing so,” Ministry of External Affairs spokesperson Syed Akbaruddin told The UnReal Times, and pulled out this tweet:

Bah! Slow internet :| #MandatoryUSreturnCrib

— Ashwin S Kumar (@ashwinskumar) October 7, 2014

“So when we found out that this gentleman Adhbut hadn’t tweeted about the internet being slow even for 48 hours after he touched down on Indian soil, we realized that this was something totally unprecedented and that it deserved an award. Even Sushmaji has unblocked this chap on Twitter! Can you believe it?” Akbaruddin exclaimed.

PM Modi’s cabinet colleagues have enthusiastically welcomed the move. “I am usually fed with a dose of my own medicine when people enter the country, try using the internet here and go on to demand my resignation,” said Minister for Information Technology, Ravi Shankar Prasad. “But for the first time, someone hasn’t done that and I promise this chap that I will never ever demand his resignation at any point in my life,” Prasad added.

However, despite being flooded with congratulatory messages and tweets, Adhbut still looked dissatisfied. “Dude, all this is nothing. I have still not been congratulated by Shivraj Singh Chouhanji. Until that happens, I have really achieved nothing in life,” he lamented.