In a bizarre incident, Bekaar Patil, the man behind famous parody Twitter handle, @IRCTC_Unavailable, tried to hang himself after he was unable to bear the shock of having successfully booked 2 tatkal tickets within 2 minutes on the all new IRCTC website. Patil’s family members, who spotted him in time, rushed in and saved his life.

(Image via indiatoday.intoday.in)

Speaking to The UnReal Times, a depressed Patil later said, “The site upgrade has sealed my fate. I’ve lost everything – my followers, my identity, my purpose in life, my moments of glory, my route to happiness, it is all just gone!”

“For a few days after the site upgrade,I nursed hopes that this new bubble would burst one of these days and things would go back to normal, but it wasn’t to be. This morning, when my parents wanted me to book tatkal tickets for them and I was able to book both in 2 minutes, that was the last nail in the coffin. I couldn’t take it anymore and I really didn’t want to live even a second after that,” Patil explained.

Patil is currently undergoing counseling, and has been advised to fulfill his satiric urges by running a MyGov parody account. “A lot of people have remarked that the MyGov site reminds them of the old IRCTC, so perhaps I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes,” Patil said.

Meanwhile, IRCTC officials have appealed to their erstwhile detractors not to take the extreme step. “We understand it can be really hard and depressing for thousands of humorists all over the world, but we strongly urge them not to do something crazy over this. For IRCTC, acche din may have come online, but offline we still have a long way to go – we were recently fined one lakh rupees for a cockroach being spotted in our food! So see, all hope isn’t lost yet,” an official said.

The first time a young Indian boy uploads his profile on a matrimonial site, he spends a fair bit of time on it. With time, however, his perspective changes. The UnReal Times’ research wing tracked the evolution of an Indian boy’s matrimonial ad with time. We present the findings here:

(Image via indiatoday.com)

Age: 26

Wanted: Working girl between 21 and 25,

[Religion X],

[Caste Y] – [Subcaste Z],

Unmarried,

Religious,

Fair but not too fair, i.e. fairer than wheatish but duskier than pale,

Good-looking, preferably with brown eyes and an almond shaped face,

Slim and toned figure,

Height above 5’5″,

Master’s degree,

From well-to-do family,

Must respect elders,

Must be accommodating and adjusting,

Must be family-oriented and traditional with a modern outlook,

Must have great cooking skills

Must have a lust for travel

Must have a zest for life

Age: 28

Wanted: Working girl between 21 and 27

[Religion X],

[Caste Y] – [Subcaste Z],

Unmarried,

Religious,

Fair, but not too fair, i.e. fairer than wheatish but duskier than pale,

Good-looking, preferably with brown eyes and an almond shaped face,

Slim and toned figure,

Height above 5’3″,

Bachelor’s degree from well-known institution,

From well-to-do family,

Must respect elders,

Must be accommodating and adjusting,

Must be family-oriented and traditional with a modern outlook,

Must have great cooking skills

Must have a lust for travel

Must have a zest for life

Age: 30

Wanted: Working girl between 21 and 30

[Religion X],

[Caste Y]

Unmarried,

Religious,

Fair,

Pleasant looking,

Slim,

Height above 5’1″,

Bachelor’s degree from well-known institution,

From well-to-do family,

Must respect elders,

Must be accommodating and adjusting, 

Must be family-oriented and traditional with a modern outlook, 

Age: 32

Wanted: Working Girl, between 21 and 34

[Religion X],

Unmarried,

Not bad looking,

Literate,

Height above 5′

Must be able to tolerate elders

Age: 34

Wanted: Girl, between 21 and 34

Unmarried,

Not bad looking,

Literate,

Height above 4′ (tall midgets can apply)

Behaviour with elders not important, as long as the girl doesn’t hit them

Age: 36 

Wanted: Female

(Coming soon: Evolution of an Indian woman’s matrimonial ad)

Rahul Gandhi sent the nation’s news channels into a tizzy, by storming into the well of the Lok Sabha and hollering at the top of his voice for a discussion on communal violence. For someone who hadn’t asked a single question in the 15th Lok Sabha and was recently clicked napping during session, what resulted in this unimaginable turnaround?

(Images via indiatoday.intoday.in)

Rahul Gandhi’s aggressive act in the Lok Sabha, when he stormed into the well demanding a discussion on communal violence, caused substantial bemusement among the twitterati. Mainstream media, however, took a different view of the incident. Times Now, in particular, went berserk describing Rahul’s action with effusive hashtags like #AllNewRahul and #RahulWakesUp, causing some to wonder what did they miss. The UnReal Times Twitter specialist Hashtag Jones, who’s looking to switch over to the TOI group, decided to ingratiate himself to Times Now by coming up with the following suggested tweets to report various actions of the Nehru-Gandhi scion.

Rahul Gandhi swats a house lizard

Rahul Gandhi drives a car for 1 km

Rahul Gandhi enjoys lollipop

Rahul Gandhi visits a zoo

Rahul Gandhi gets a new pair of spectacles

Rahul Gandhi plays with a toy train

Rahul Gandhi digs his nose

Rahul Gandhi draws scenery with crayons

Rahul Gandhi puts on his batman mask and cape and jumps around in his room

Rahul Gandhi refuses to drink his Horlicks

(With inputs from UnReal Mama)

Congress Vice-President Rahul Gandhi’s new display of aggression in parliament, by storming the well of the house to protest against communal violence, raised several eyebrows. Spurred on by this new found courage, Rahul went on to question Prime Minister Narendra Modi, asking “Where are the acche din?”. How did Modi respond?

(Images via indiatoday.intoday.in)

Images via Indiatoday.com

Former Motorola Mobility CEO and presently CEO of GlobalFoundries, Sanjay Jha, (henceforth referred to as Corporate Jha to avoid confusion) has decided to change his name after being severely abused by people from all walks of life. According to Corporate Jha, thousands of anti-Congress and pro-BJP fans, mistaking him for the Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha, end up severely abusing and criticizing him day in and day out.

“I can’t take it anymore, yaar,” Jha told The UnReal Times. “For almost two years now, I’ve borne the brunt of having the same name as the ridiculous Congress spokesperson. Every night, during and after The Newshour, my Twitter, Facebook and Gmail accounts get flooded with irate messages. Earlier, I used to send polite replies saying that I am not that Sanjay Jha. But with the volumes of scorn increasing by the day, the best I can do nowadays is to make sure I am efficient at locating the 1 in 100 genuine messages meant for me.”

And then there is the not so small issue of Arnab’s aides mistakenly inviting him to panel cock-fights on The NewsHour. “Initially, I used to feel amused and then give them the other Jha’s number. But I don’t understand why they still call me up. I suspect the other Jha directs them to me on days when he wants to avoid Arnab’s show,” he speculated.

Corporate Jha went on to reveal that even his business life is now getting affected. “When I try to strike deals with vendors, they express skepticism and doubts over my credibility, saying a Google background search, especially links to articles on HamaraCongress, doesn’t give them much cause for comfort. Then I have to waste precious bandwidth in sending them selfies to convince them that I am not that Jha,” Corporate Jha added.

Corporate Jha said he has no option now but to go in for a change of name. “For the moment, as far as Indian affairs are concerned, I’m making do with my Aadhaar number while I zero in on a new name. I’m preparing a list of all Congress leaders and spokespersons, in order to avoid the faintest similarity with any of their names,” he said.

The Congress spokesperson, Sanjay Jha, was quick to blame Modi for his namesake’s woes. “Well, Ashwin, two points – first of all,” the Congress Jha said, “It is in the mentality and psyche of the BJP and the RSS to shower abuse on anyone and everyone and not spare even a shred of respect, and secondly, all this was only compounded in 2002, when Mr Modi perpetrated genocide of the most vile kind, the consequences of which both Sanjay and I are still grappling with…”

At this point, this correspondent fled the scene.

The lingering controversy over Smriti Irani’s educational qualifications, or the lack thereof, got a new lease of life after the feisty HRD minister claimed she has a degree from Yale and was the subject of a NewsHour panel cock-fight later in the day. Soon the discussions spread to the social media as well, which our social media correspondent, Mark Zuckerpandian, has captured for our readers’ perusal:

(With inputs from UnReal team)

Smriti Irani’s claim that her biggest qualification is that she is a mother may or may not have enthused the base but it certainly inspired Ekta Kapoor. Our special correspondent, Rajniti Sarkarwala, brings you the poignant sequence of events:

(Translation: Wow, Modiji! What grace you’ve got!)

(Translation: This’ll be a 100% blockbuster serial)

(Images via indiatoday.intoday.in)

Taking a cue from the title of India’s best-selling author, Chetan Bhagat’s latest book, “Half Girlfriend,” former Outlook editor-in-chief, Vinod Mehta, has announced that he will be penning his account of adventures on Newshour debates, titled “Quarter Whisky”.

Mehta, who tasted literary success with his earlier book “Lucknow Boy”, is all the more confident about this book. “Who doesn’t love a good cock-fight? Especially when one of the cocks is heavily drunk!” a jolly Mehta told The UnReal Times, swirling a glass of fine scotch. “Earlier, people used to watch The Newshour mainly to witness Arnab setting Sanjay Jha’s tail on fire, but my arrival totally changed the show’s dynamics. In the midst of all the nonsense yelled by various panelists, my inebriated utterances of wisdom came across as a whiff of much-needed sanity. People would cheer when Arnab bashed Jha as usual, but the loudest whistles and howls would accompany my gulps of scotch, followed by a totally off-key chant of Arnaaaaaab,” Mehta said.

Mehta has announced that he will drown at least about four to five glasses of scotch, before getting down to write each chapter of the book. The book promises to have a star-studded launch. “It will, as expected, witness The Newshour starcast, right from Arnab himself to Sanjay Jha, Sunil Alagh, Anupam Kher, Suhel Seth ending with the man who has to be everywhere, former Union Minister Rajeev Shukla. Rajeev has requested that I call Ameesha Patel too. Let’s see!” Mehta said.

Sources also added that the book launch could witness a live Newshour debate too, with Mehta making his entry after drowning in his fifth peg. Fresh trouble, however, brewed in the scheme of things, with Arnab threatening to boycott the launch after hearing reports that Ved Pratap Vaidik might walk in uninvited.

(Based on a tweet by Ajayendar)

(Editor: We’re sorry if this article is a little off. Ashwin wrote this after five pegs.)

The Aam Aadmi Party witnessed yet another rift, as senior leader and founder member Shanti Bhushan publicly hit out at former Delhi Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal, coming down strongly on his organisational skills and the lack of inner democracy in the party. While Kejriwal’s detractors Times Now chose to trend #AAPBreaksUp on Twitter, AAP supporters came right back with another hashtag, #UnitedWithAAP. But the last salvo was fired by Ashutosh, whose remark eclipsed the original issue, making way for the Taj Mahal to trend. The UnReal Times correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you the events and the reactions they drew on Facebook:

(With inputs from The UnReal Team)

Image via gstatic.com

In a first for any city in India, the Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) has announced that it will be starting a sleeper bus service between Hebbal and Silk Board, thus making it India’s first intra-city sleeper-bus service. The BMTC has announced that the service will be inaugurated by ace sleeper and former Prime Minister HD Deve Gowda as well as his protege and Karnataka CM Siddaramaiah.

“Not only does Bangalore have insane traffic between these two areas, but it is also the capital of a state that is blessed with the country’s best sleepers like Deve Gowdru and Siddaramaiah avaru,” BMTC chief Anjum Parwez told The UnReal Times. “It has been observed that not one person in the existing bus route between Hebbal and Silk Board stays awake during the commute. People who are standing also lean against the rods and snooze away. By the time the bus gets stuck in peak traffic at KR Puram and Marathalli Bridge, even the driver and conductor doze off for a while. So keeping all these things in mind and the fact that even the likelihood of Rahul Gandhi playing a greater serious role in politics is more than that of the Bangalore Metro becoming fully operational, it is only appropriate that we introduce such a service.”

“People couldn’t survive the traffic and the pollution and that led us to introduce Air-Conditioned Volvo buses. Now we’re going a step further and introducing full-fledged sleeper buses so that people can sleep comfortably during their commute. Tickets will be tentatively priced at around Rs.120,” Parwez added.

An upbeat Chief Minister Siddaramaiah told The UnReal Times, “It is amazing! I’m so proud of BMTC for pioneering another bus service for the rest of the country to emulate! All this is only due to the vision of Rahul Gandhiji, Sonia Gandhiji and Manmohan Gandhiji. I’m used to dozing off in many functions that I’ve been invited to, but this is the first time I’m attending a function that I’m actually supposed to sleep in. So I’m very thrilled and eagerly looking forward to it.”

(Editor: Ashwin was going to interview Deve Gowda as well, for his views, but was arrested before that, under Karnataka’s Goonda Act)

(Based on a tweet by PuneetKumar Pattar)

It is a brand new day at the Sardesai household. Vaidik is seen telling Rajdeep, “Yeh bahut acche dost hain mere,” (This is my very good friend) while patting a loudly barking Nemo. A few feet away, Sagarika shuts the Bible with a satisfied sigh, and picks up the Holy Quran. There’s also the Bhagawad Gita on the shelf, with a thick coat of dust on it.

Rajdeep and Vaidik move into the interview room and Rajdeep signals the photographer to start the camera. “ROLLING,” he hollers.

Rajdeep Sardesai: Suprabhat, good morning and welcome to this exclusive interview of mine with Dr.Ved Pratap Vaidik. As I have always maintained during my 25 years of morally right journalism, in today’s interview as well, I will uphold my principles of sense over sensationalism, news over noise, credibility over chaos and touch millions of lives with good journalism, like I’ve always done. Welcome, Dr.Vaidik!

Dr.Vaidik: Ji, namashkaar!

Rajdeep Sardesai: Let me get straight to the point, Dr.Vaidik – you seem to have been in the news for all the wrong reasons. You met India’s most wanted terrorist!

Dr.Vaidik: Dekhiye, aap yeh nahin keh sakte ki (See, you can’t tell me that) I’ve been in the news for all the wrong reasons. I have been a journalist since the age of 16. I have been India’s youngest editor. I was known for my activism even as a 12-year old boy. In my 40 years of journalism, so many people from all over the world have come to meet me! I have also gone to meet so many others, because a journalist can go anywhere!

Rajdeep Sardesai: Ok, fair enough. But can a journalist really go anywhere, sir? Doesn’t your moral compass sometimes throw up a fact called “the tyranny of distance”? For journalists with a moral compass, like me, who have always upheld the tenets of good, honest journalism for 25 years, the tyranny of distance and the need for peace and the need for non-communalisation of the situation prevents us from covering certain areas.

Dr.Vaidik: Dekhiye (See), I have friends everywhere. Kayi jagah par kayi saare log mujhe acchi tarah se jaante hain…aur unko bahut khushi hota hai mujhse mil kar (A lot of people know me in a lot of places and they’re very happy to meet me). All these people all over the world have come to my house, they’ve stayed there, they’ve spent time with me. Aap ko shayad yeh pata hoga ki main ek (You probably know that I am) intellectual, eminent thinker, philosopher, reformer, activist aur educationist hoon, so a lot of like-minded greats from all over the world happen to know me very well, so I can go anywhere for anything I want, because I am very highly respected all over the world for all the great and noble things that I do.

Rajdeep Sardesai: I am sure that is applicable to journalists too, sir. Having been a significant part of print and television journalism for a very long time now, I have realized that practising good, honest and morally right journalism always wins the hearts of people from all quarters, except those who want to communalise our secular and peaceful country. I’ve always commanded respect and admiration from the journalistic fraternity, unlike some new-age editors and anchors, who believe in sensation over sense, noise over news and chaos over credibility.

Dr.Vaidik: Of course! I know who you are talking about! He has to SHUT UP! We are senior journalists! He is after all a junior journalist! How dare he question us? What has he done in all these years? For 40 years, I have edited various newspapers, I have headed various journalistic bodies, I have…

Rajdeep Sardesai: Well said, sir! It’s such a sorry state of affairs that the good, noble and holy profession called journalism that I am proud to represent, has been reduced to a crude fish-market, with absolutely no concern for professional and journalistic ethics, and no respect for the profession! They simply don’t have something called a moral compass! Where is our profession heading to? But I will continue to practise good journalism, sir, and I’m confident that honest journalism will prevail, no matter what!

(A knock is heard on the door, prompting an excited Nemo to resume barking. Rajdeep walks to the door and opens it, and finds Yogendra Yadav standing with a serene smile)

Rajdeep: Yogendra! Wow, great to see you here, my friend! Please come in, but could you just wait a few minutes, while I complete my interview with Dr.Vaidik? After all, good journalism entails focused interviewing and reporting, something I have always been proud of doing!

Yogendra: Rajdeep, my friend, please carry on! I will return later. After all, it would be wrong to disrupt and disturb someone who is doing his job in all earnestness and dedication and we have never been the sort of people who have done anything to inconvenience and disturb the people of this country. The only things we think in our minds are always how we can serve the people of the country for their well-being and happiness and never for their discomfort.

Rajdeep: I am very well aware of that, Yogendra! I too have believed in and practised journalism of hope! But after so many years in this noble profession, I’ve become too nice to turn someone away. A good journalist has to be accommodating, and I have never said no. So I request you, Yogendra, to please make yourself comfortable and wait here, while I complete my interview with Dr.Vaidik.

Yogendra: Alright, Rajdeep, thank you very much! It has also been our habit never to say no to anyone who wants us to do something for them. We do not believe in disappointing those with good intentions and so, I will come in. (Bends down to remove his slippers)

Rajdeep: Never mind, Yogendra! You can walk in straightaway!

Yogendra: Oh no, Rajdeep! We have always been respectful of anyone in this world, be it a friend or an opponent and it is only fair that I respect the sanctity of this place by removing my slippers and entering with my right foot in, first.

All of a sudden, thunder rumbles up above in the skies and dark clouds gather right over the building. The room’s ceiling parts, and an incredibly bright white light shines through, blinding the three terror struck gentlemen. Then a deep voice resonates in their ears.

“Will you guys shut up? Even I’m not so preachy, self-obsessed and holier-than-thou as you guys!” the voice thunders. “May the three of you never meet again, or I shall smite thee before you could spell morality!”

The bright light fades and the parted ceiling closes itself.

Rajdeep and Yogendra look shaken, while an unperturbed Vaidik smiles non-chalantly.

Vaidik: Koi baat nahin, bahut acche dost hain mere. Mere aur unke bahut acche sambandh hain. Bahut baar main upar jaa kar unse bhi mila hua hoon (No problem, he’s a very good friend of mine! I have very good relations with him! I’ve gone up and met him many times). After all, a journalist can go anywhere!

Rajdeep and Yogendra slap their foreheads. Fade out.

Search engine giant Google Inc has decided to deploy ace footballer biter Luis Suarez underwater, in order to scare sharks away from their internet cables.

(Image via dailymail.co.uk)

“It’s about time we took this menace head on and who better than Luis Suarez himself? He has anyway been banned for a while now and we might as well try to use his services to get rid of these pesky sharks. Offence is the best form of defence and once these sharks are bitten more severely than they could ever bite anyone, they will never want to cast even their shadows on our cables,” Google co-founder Larry Page told The UnReal Times.

Suarez, too, has been extremely excited about his new role. “One has to always follow his passion in life and this is an opportunity for me to use my toothy skills to save the world. We’ve had a few trial sessions underwater and it’s been great so far – the sharks are super-scared after I bit some of them. Most of the damaged cables underwater, however, were exclusively for Google Plus data. So that’s okay, it won’t have any impact anyway,” Suarez said before rushing forward to bite our correspondent, thus causing him to flee.

The Indian parliament has suggested to Page and Sergey Brin that Google deploy a team of divers disguised as whales, in order to scare the sharks away. “We used a similar strategy to ward off monkeys in our parliament and to a large extent, the plan has worked. One couldn’t do anything about some of the ones inside, though. Nevertheless, they can try this out,” a parliament official said.

Meanwhile, PETA has strongly objected to Google’s purported move of deploying Suarez to take on the sharks. “It is one thing to harpoon a great white shark, it is entirely another level of atrocity to let loose Suarez on them. We will not quietly accept this beastly treatment of these majestic aquatic animals,” declared PETA spokesperson Alicia Johnson.

The United States of America has been abuzz with the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, with top honchos from the country such as Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Satya Nadella, Tim Cook and Jeff Bezos among others having had a bucket of ice water poured on them and having dared 3 others to do the same. The challenge, intended to raise awareness about Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, has already successfully raised a million dollars for the ALS association.

Ahead of PM Narendra Modi’s visit to the country, a list of Indian celebrities too, took up the challenge enthusiastically. The UnReal Times correspondent Atul Baskarbe brings you scenes in pictures:

1st frame: Delhi police down, down! | 2nd frame: Long live, revolution!

Modi: Aamirji, to do this, you need a 56 inch chest

Modi: I challenge my friends in the media

(Images via indiatoday.com)

Image via Indiatoday.com

Prime Minister Narendra Modi has ordered government officials to prioritize measures to cut unemployment in the country, after hashtags related to Bollywood superstars Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan continuously dominated Twitter’s trending topics.

“Initially, when the PM logged on to Twitter and saw these trends, he was quite nonchalant,” an official from the Finance Ministry disclosed, “thinking people are just taking some time off to chillax and have some fun on Twitter, but when he saw these trends remaining unflinchingly at the top and not showing any signs of deprecating even after weeks, he understood that this is a very serious crisis. He told us that if this isn’t a stark indicator of unemployment in this country, nothing else is. So he has asked us to put all other projects on hold and focus on generating real jobs and cutting down this gargantuan unemployment plague that we’re currently witnessing.”

“We also told him about AAP supporters constantly springing up hashtags glorifying Kejriwal and berating the BJP, but he told us that AAP supporters, even if unemployed, are too self-righteous to stop spending their time on such activities and nothing can be done about that,” the official added. “Our minister Jaitleyji tried to convince Modiji, saying that he had already allocated 100 crore towards curbing unemployment, but Modiji would just not listen,” the official added.

SRK and Salman trolls, however, are not amused. “This is rubbish! This is just a conspiracy by the government to try and bring down the fans of Bhai and King Khan. By giving us real jobs and a purpose in life, these people will spell doom for us. We will strongly protest against the government for trying to drive us away from joblessness. In fact, in the mother of all Twitter protests, we as well as Asaram Bapu supporters are gonna join forces to create a #YoModiSoConcernedAboutUnemployment hashtag. We plan to keep the trend firmly afloat for at least a week,” a Sallu troll told The UnReal Times.

Image via Indiatoday.com

Under fire from the National Human Rights Commission after reports of children swimming to school due to lack of a bridge across the river, the Gujarat government has hit back, saying that the issue is, in fact, an exercise in skill development.

“Under the vision of Prime Minister Narendra Modiji, it was decided to make the students swim to school. Not only is swimming a very good life-saving skill, but is also extremely beneficial for good health. If these kids swim daily as a routine, one of them could even grow up to become India’s Michael Phelps, who knows! Has anyone else thought about skill development like this? Such is the vision of Modiji and all people can think of is sending us notices about human rights. Rubbish!” a disappointed Gujarat CM Anandiben Patel told The UnReal Times.

“Also, I don’t understand what the big fuss about safety is? By default, Amit bhai is anyway keeping a watch over these kids who swim in the river, regardless of where he is. So even if anything untoward happens, the situation can easily be efficiently encountered..err..dealt with,” the CM added. “In fact, to be honest, I’m sort of disappointed that Modiji didn’t include the phrase ‘SWIM IN INDIA!’ in his Independence Day speech,” Mrs.Patel said.

Meanwhile, the Congress was quick to pounce on the move, claiming that it is they who initiated the practice of skill development. “By not providing enough amenities, it was we who started the practice of developing people’s skills like this. As usual, Modiji has copied the idea from us,” said Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha.

PS – As soon as this article was published, this is what happened on The UnReal Times’ Facebook wall:

(Image via indiatoday.com)

With major celebrities all over the world participating in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, superstars of the Tennis world couldn’t be far behind. The UnReal Times Tennis correspondent Sujay Amritraj brings you this exclusive report on how these stars took the Ice Bucket challenge in their own inimitable styles.

1. Rafael Nadal:

All set in his sleeveless jersey, and shorts extending to well below his knees, Rafael Nadal strode in onto the clay court, tucking his long strands of hair behind either ear. Nadal looked a bit edgy at first, lifting the bucket tentatively, but rapidly grew confident towards the end, and eventually poured the ice water over him emphatically. Then, in characteristic style, he bit the edge of the bucket.

2. Roger Federer:

The Swiss legend, elegant as ever, picked up the bucket, effortlessly overturned it over his head, and splashed its contents over his head with razor sharp precision. Ecstatic at having completed the challenge, he proceeded to kneel on the grass court and covered his face with his palms. Seconds later, tears streamed down his face, and soon the teardrops outnumbereded the droplets of water trickling down from his wet hair. Federer’s friend, Indian cricketing legend Sachin Tendulkar, who had traveled all the way to Switzerland to watch him from the sidelines, stood up and applauded.

3. Maria Sharapova:

The leggy lass walked in with a banner that read “I know Tendulkar” and gingerly picked up the bucket that read “Sugarpova“. She lifted the bucket high over her head, but the water that had frozen into a block of ice, wouldn’t budge. Maria then let out one of the loudest screams of her life. The ice block shattered into smithereens, turned into water and splashed all over Maria.

4. Boris Becker:

Dressed smartly, an enthusiastic Becker arrived and waited in front of the bucket as the crowd cheered him boisterously. A pumped up Becker picked up the bucket, shook it up and down exactly thrice before lifting it high and handsome and overturning it over his head.

5. Andy Roddick:

To the delight of his fans, Andy Roddick walked swiftly towards his bucket, adjusted his cap, shook his forearm until his watch slid down his left arm and pulled either end of his shirt out front. He then picked up the bucket and in a flash poured the ice water all over him. Needless to say, Roddick was the quickest among players who took the challenge.

6. Sania Mirza:

Indian tennis player Sania Mirza came in all excited, with husband Shoaib Malik. With great enthusiasm, she picked up the bucket and overturned it high above. Only, the water missed its spot completely and fell beside her.

7. Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupathi:

After their 132652332th split, Lee and Hesh came together yet again, as it was for a very good cause. They lifted their buckets in high spirits, splashed the water on each other and reminiscing old times, jumped and executed a hard chest bump. Immediately after the challenge was successfully undertaken, they announced their split again.

8. Marat Safin:

The tall Russian made his way in, to raucous applause from fans who hadn’t seen him in a long time. Wiping himself with a towel, Safin lifted the bucket and began pouring the water over him, but in a sudden fit of rage, threw the bucket hard on the floor, shattering it into pieces.

9. Novak Djokovic:

Djokovic set a new record – an unprecedented 9 buckets of ice water, as he imitated all the others before him before undertaking his actual challenge.

Image via Indiatoday.com

Liquor and Airline baron Vijay Mallya today kick-started the “KFA Beer Bucket Challenge” in an attempt to raise funds for the cash starved Kingfisher Airlines. Modeled along the lines of the hugely popular ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, Mallya is confident of replicating its success.

Launching the campaign at his office in UB City, Bangalore, Mallya said, “Let’s face it, between ice water and beer, what do you think people will choose? Also, this challenge is about not wasting anything, I’m asking people to gulp down a bucket of beer and daring 3 others to do the same, or donate $100 to Kingfisher Airlines.” Mallya then gulped down a bucket of beer in less than half a minute, and went on to dare Siddharth Mallya, Virat Kohli and Chris Gayle to do the same.

The news has brought some cheer to employees of Kingfisher Airlines, but many feel that it would still not be enough. “It’s good that he’s finally thought of doing something to improve our fortunes, but if you ask a man to choose between drinking a bucket of beer and paying $100, he will choose the former any day! Not many people are crazy enough to pour a bucket of ice water on themselves, so they may donate $100 instead, but as far as a bucket of beer is concerned, who would say no? So we’re not sure the plan will work. Let’s see!” said an employee of KFA, still nursing hopes of being paid a salary.

Sources added that Siddharth Mallya, whose turn it was to take up the challenge, finished it successfully and went on to dare Sreesanth, Oommen Chandy and AK Antony to take up the challenge. “Well, they’re all in their home state right now and they’ve to take it up within 24 hours. So I see $300 coming in to KFA tomorrow! Hahaha!” an upbeat Mallya Jr is supposed to have exclaimed.

Social media was abuzz with outrage over Finance Minister Arun Jaitley’s remark that one small incident of rape in Delhi, advertised world over is enough to cost us billions of dollars in terms of tourism. Jaitley’s statement (which was later tweaked by PIB to remove the word “small”) that he regretted that a word he used was construed as insensitive, did little to mitigate the angered netizens of the country.

The UnReal Times correspondent Mark Zuckerpandian brings you exclusive snapshots of what Jaitley had to weather, from his Facebook wall:

Translations for the first set:

Rajat Sharma: The first allegation on Arun Jaitley is that he’s insensitive.

Arun Jaitley: Look, Rajatji .. 

(With inputs from UnReal Mama [Karthik])

(Image courtesy niticentral.com)

In what seems to be a bug in Facebook’s new feature that marks fake news reports with the “Satire” tag, the popular social network has tagged a serious report by Times Of India journalist Sagarika Ghose as “Satire”. An outraged Sagarika Ghose took up the issue with Facebook’s Help Center and sent as many as four mails asking the social media giant to double check its algorithm, without much success. Her fifth mail warned of 10 questions on Twitter to Mark Zuckerberg, after which Facebook’s top management promptly assigned a team of top engineers to look into the matter.

“We have been going through the algorithm for the past few days, and are unable to find out what’s wrong with it,” confessed an engineer from Facebook. “We’ve tried debugging it. We’ve tested it with a variety of datasets. But it seems to be 100% accurate. It is able to correctly tag reports from satire portals such as The Onion, The Borowitz Report etc. or various mainstream news portals across the portal. The algorithm is so good that it is even able to recognize Times of India as a serious portal. But somehow it isn’t able to categorize Sagarika’s articles correctly.”

Reportedly, the issue was eventually escalated to Zuckerberg himself, who asked for a set of Sagarika’s latest articles to figure out the problem with the algorithm, and ended up guffawing all morning. “Hahahahahaha! I don’t know what people are complaining about, man. I went through these articles and the algorithm seems to be spot on.”

Finally Facebook’s engineers gave up trying to tweak the algorithm and simply put Ms. Sagarika Ghose in an exception list, which did what was desired, but didn’t quite stifle the flow of complaints. “Now there’s a section of people who’re complaining that her article is NOT marked as satire. We give up!” said an engineer, shaking his head.

Amidst these events, Sagarika Ghose’s husband Rajdeep Sardesai took to Facebook to express his dismay. “Watching moves of a senior social media network. Truly fear the industry has lost its moral compass. Wake up before its too late folks,” he wrote. The update was promptly marked as “Satire” by Facebook’s algorithm.