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COMIC: The real reason why Robert Vadra scuffled with the reporter

November 1, 2014, 7:41 pm
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Congress president Sonia Gandhi’s son-in-law Robert Vadra has been in the news for scuffling with a reporter from ANI News, after the latter asked him an uncomfortable question. What exactly transpired?

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The Delhi War Room Diaries: Part 1 – The Indian National Congress

November 4, 2014, 5:11 pm
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“Delhi will go to polls,” declared Lt Governor Najeeb Jung. And just like that, a gong sounded somewhere. Party leaders set up their war rooms, got into a huddle and began to formulate their strategies to conquer Delhi. In this all-new war room series, The UnReal Times investigative correspondent Sumit Shah brings you exclusive insights into the minutes of party meetings, starting with the Congress party:

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

The mood was typically carefree in the Delhi Pradesh Congress Committee headquarters on Mahawat Khan road – no excitement, no vigor, just calm faces all around greeting each other pleasantly. Banners sporting the tricolour Congress palm adorned the walls of the conference room. The ACs were on full blast. Bottles of water stood ready on the table. Haroon Yusuf and Arvinder Singh Lovely led the prospective candidates into the room. Bouquets were presented to former Delhi CM Sheila Dixit and Sandeep Dixit as they arrived.

The meeting was about to begin, when Lovely, looking all around the room, spotted something amiss. ‘IDIOT!’ he screamed at the party worker standing near the door. ‘WHAT DO YOU EAT? DO YOU HAVE ANY COMMON SENSE? HOW COULD YOU MISS THEM? I’LL DEAL WITH YOU PROPERLY LATER! NOW HURRY!’

“Y.y…yes sir, sorry sir,” the worker trembled, then scurried into a store room and returned with 9 photo frames.

“NOW WHO WILL DUST THESE? YOUR GRANDFATHER?” yelled another leader.

On the verge of tears, the shaken worker pulled out a napkin and hastily dusted the photo frames of Jawaharlal Nehru, Indira Gandhi, Rajiv Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi and Priyanka Gandhi. Just when he was about to move on to the frames of PV Narasimha Rao, Lal Bahadur Shastri and Dr.Manmohan Singh, another voice yelled at him, “Abe woh sab rehne de! (Let those be) Just hang these on the wall. QUICK! Fatafat!”

As he put them up one by one, another chap came in with garlands, a lamp and a matchstick, and went about placing them the garland and the lamp on each portrait. Lovely struck a matchstick and lit up the lamps, before folding his hands and seeking the blessings of the party high-command. Everyone in the room stood up and followed suit.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve gathered today, to discuss how we’re going to face the upcoming Delhi polls. Let me get straight to the point,” Lovely said. “Does anyone over here think that we’re gonna get more than 8-10 seats?”

Lovely scanned the faces gathered in the room, some grinning, others trying to subdue sniggers, and a few others admirably poker faced.

When he received no reply, Lovely said, “Awesome! We’re all on the same page then! I know it’s difficult to say this without bursting into laughter, but whenever any of you interacts with the media, please try to say that you are confident of winn…Hehehehehehehehe,” Lovely burst into laughter mid-sentence, and the others joined him a moment later, resulting in cacophony.

When he’d gathered himself, Lovely continued, “Well, don’t do what I just did. Please try to say that you’re absolutely confident of winning over the people of Delhi and coming back to power, Okay?”

“Okay!” came the reply.

“NO you fools! Not okay. We are confident of winning over the people of Delhi and coming back to power UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF SONIAJI AND RAHULJI! UNDERSTAND?!”

“Yes sir!” came the unanimous reply.

“Yeah, feel free to bash the government for anything. You can learn by watching Congress spokespersons on The Newshour – Sanjay Jha, Randeep Surjewala, Kumar Ketkar. Just see to it that Americai Narayanan is nowhere near any journalist, that’s all,” cautioned Lovely.

“Hell yeah!” exclaimed Sandeep Dikshit, which got everyone laughing again.

“Ok, over to the next phase – once we get routed again, I’m going to claim responsibility for the defeat and resign as the state president of the party. I’ve already typed out my draft resignation. I just have to put in the date of the results whenever we come to know that,” Lovely grinned. The others nodded.

“I know this is deja vu for you, Sheilaji and Sandeepji, but I need to ensure we’re all together in this. Sorry!” Lovely told a sleepy looking Sheila.

“No problem at all, continue,” Sheila yawned.

“So yes, the golden rules always apply – 4 points, please write these down and repeat these verbatim to the media. Clear?”

The others nodded, pulled out their pens and flipped open their notepads. Lovely began to dictate.

“One. We accept the mandate of the people,” said Lovely and added under his breath, but still loud enough for people to hear,”Like there’s any other choice! Bah!” leading to laughter.

“Anyway, Two! IT IS NOT SONIAJI’s or RAHULJI’s fault. We take collective responsibility for the defeat!”

“Three. We must introspect!”

“And four! Remember, this is the MOST IMPORTANT point. Please underline this. THERE IS NO MODI WAVE – if there was, the BJP would’ve won all 70 seats,” thundered Lovely, sparking spontaneous applause and desk thumping in the room.

“If any of you want, you can start a clamor that it’s time for Priyanka to take the reins etc. but it’s okay, I don’t think we’ll need to touch that extreme level of devotion also,” Lovely added, and looked around the room.

“Okay then,” said Lovely, rubbing his hands, “I think that’s about it. Any further questions?” asked Lovely.

“Alright!” he said, when none responded. “Thanks for coming, guys! Let’s go have some nice parathas and lassi now,” Lovely signed off, leading the members to lunch.

(Next in this series: BJP war room diary, and AAP war room diary)

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PM Modi to gift Sachin Tendulkar’s autobiography, “Playing it my way” to foreign leaders hereafter

November 6, 2014, 6:32 pm
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In a move that would likely go a long way in endearing Prime Minister Narendra Modi to his secular detractors, the PMO has decided that he would gift a copy of Indian cricketing legend Sachin Tendulkar’s autobiography, “Playing it my way” to all the foreign heads of state he meets in future.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“A lot of eyebrows were raised in several parts of the country when Modiji gifted a copies of the Gita to various foreign leaders. People raised questions like ‘Why Gita? Why not the Quran or the Bible or the Guru Granth Sahib?’ and so on. For a while, we were trying to come up with a workable solution to this, but in vain. Thankfully, we heard that Sachin was going to pen his autobiography and that put an end to all our worries. This new holy book is really a 1-stop solution and more importantly, one that would be acceptable to any section of society,” MEA spokesperson Syed Akbaruddin told The UnReal Times.

“In recent times, we have never seen any incident of God himself writing down his holy thoughts for devotees to imbibe. It is a matter of pride that after giving rise to the God of cricket, India has now given the world a new holy book,” Akbaruddin added. The move drew praise from the Home Ministry too, with Home Minister Rajnath Singh requesting the Union HRD minister to immediately arrange for the book to be translated to Sanskrit and to officially confer a “holy” status on the book.

The move has won unanimous praise from all quarters, with Congress spokesperson Shashi Tharoor notably throwing caution to the winds and tweeting, “I don’t care what the high command does with me for this, but YOU ROCK, @narendramodi ji! Thumbs up!” Rumors are rife that in what could be an unprecedented development, Shahi Imam Bukhari too, may get over his grouse against Modi and invite him to his son’s anointment, after all.

Speaking on the decision, PM Modi lavished praise on Sachin, exclaiming “The nation is proud of him. Sachin, after all, stands for ‘Supreme Almighty Crown of HINdustan! May the force be with him!” The all-pleasing decision’s bubble, however, burst very soon, as Vinod Kambli wrote to the Prime Minister, requesting him not to go ahead with the decision.

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Satish Upadhyay began his Run For Unity in front of the finish line, claim participants

November 7, 2014, 6:37 pm
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It appears PM Modi’s Swachh Bharat Abhiyan isn’t the only thing BJP leader Satish Upaddhyay reduced to a photo-op. It has now been revealed that the party’s Delhi state unit President had begun his Run for Unity only a couple of meters before the finish line.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“When Modiji flagged off the run, Satishji was with him and all of us began to run. I had planned to complete my run as soon as possible and then wait to see how long Satishji and other BJP leaders took,” said celebrity marathon runner Milind Raman. “But to my utter shock, as I was approaching the finish line, cameramen were waiting and a couple of meters before the line, Satishji was posing like Usain Bolt. When the cameraman said ‘ACTION!’ Satishji ran a couple of steps ahead, flashed the V-sign, panted heavily, and even asked for water!”

The Congress Party once again, pounced on the opportunity to lash out at the BJP. “This is disgraceful! A real mockery of all those who genuinely ran for unity, but I’m not surprised at all. One can see from the likes of Nitin Gadkari that the BJP is a party that has never believed in real running,” said Congress spokesperson Sanjay Jha. Aam Aadmi Party founder Arvind Kejriwal said, “Last year, Modiji ensured that no photo-op like this happened in Gujarat and that every one ran. Give me a chance and I’ll do the same in Delhi next year.”

Later in the day, a nervous Satish Upadhyay walked into BJP headquarters to answer the summons of party president Amit Shah. However, to his horror, instead of Amit Shah, he found a combative Dr Subramanian Swamy waiting, who promptly leapt from his seat and began blasting Upadhyay. “You liar! You coward! You ignoramus!” Swamy began and went on for a full 15 minutes.

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Man who wanted to trend on Twitter, trends worldwide after becoming Arnab’s bunny on The Newshour

November 8, 2014, 7:08 pm
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(Image via IndiaToday.com)

Somaliai Narayanan, a man who just had one simple desire for a long time, that of trending on Twitter, finally saw his dream realized after becoming the top trending topic – all thanks to his participation on Times Now’s The Newshour debate with Arnab Goswami.

“Trending on Twitter was a long-cherished dream of mine. Over the years, I went about calculating ways and means through which I could do it and then figured out that I’d have to be one of these:
1. An infamous BJP guy or Ambani, so that AAP supporters could trend me in a colorful hashtag at the drop of a hat.
2. Someone like Asaram Bapu, who can trend as often as he likes.
3. Shahrukh Khan
4. Salman Khan
5. A Bigg Boss participant.
6. The title of Chetan Bhagat’s next book
7. Arnab’s bunny in a Newshour episode,” Somaliai told The UnReal Times.

“Of all these options, #1 and #7 seemed the most feasible. But then I realized that #1 wasn’t a guaranteed method, as The UnReal Times, despite having been called by AAP supporters as a BJP agent, has never been made into a trending topic by them even once. So I decided to go for #7,” Somaliai added.

“I knew I had a shot at becoming a Newshour panelist, as Arnab often picks hitherto obscure personalities and makes them mainstream. So I went to Mumbai, posed as a social activist and managed to draw attention of the channel’s journalists on Twitter. Before I knew it, I was asked if I could appear and I gladly agreed. With an hour to go for The Newshour, the hashtag of the program was already trending,” a thrilled Somaliai recounted.

“Once the show began, I just had to tick Arnab off, I called him a few names a la Swamy and I then allowed him to lash out at me. A solid fight ensued and by the time debate 1 ended, I was trending worldwide,” he added. When asked about what the topic of the debate was, Somaliai said, “I don’t even remember, but who cares, man?! The Newshour is not a debate anyway!” Somaliai now joins an elite club of Abhijit Mukherjee, Americai Narayanan, Alyque Padamsee and other hitherto unknown faces whose claim to trends and fame is being Arnab’s bunny on The Newshour.

Meanwhile, Congress supporter Tehseen Poonawalla lashed out at Arnab, citing the fact that he has never trended even once despite all his antics. “Not fair, dude! I’ve done all sorts of antics on The Newshour, from holding placards to attempting to do a Swamy on Arnab and being shown the door, but I didn’t trend even once. Is Arnab censoring Twitter as well?” Tehseen cried out, before uploading a photo of his, holding a placard that read “I have all the antics but he won’t let me trend!”

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In Tweets: Why did the chicken cross the road?

November 8, 2014, 9:02 pm
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That question rose once again on Twitter, as it does every now and then: “Why did the chicken cross the road?” And as we do everyday, we put words in people’s mouths and came up with what we thought were appropriate responses. Here’s a compilation:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Politician watches TV news channel to find out his caste

November 9, 2014, 11:18 pm
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In a rare instance where television news scored over social media, Bharat Adhikari, a young Indian politician, after hours of persistent searching on social media, had to resort to watching a TV news channel to determine what caste he was from.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“It was insane. I met my girlfriend’s family and her grandfather asked me what caste I am from. I was stumped by the question. I took out my phone, opened Gmail, ran over my soft  copies of all the application forms I had filled in for any possible mention, but there was none. Frantically, I began to search online, but couldn’t find any information about my social origins,” Adhikari told The UnReal Times.

“I made an urgent phone call to Nitish Kumar, but he said that even he didn’t know. ‘I know I’m casteist, Bharatwa, but not this much also – I don’t keep track of castes of every single person on earth, sasura!’ he chuckled and told me. I had then got an SMS alert that a news channel was airing a report on my rumored engagement ceremony. I quickly switched the TV on at her place and saw the anchor. There it was – he reported the rumor and enlisted not just my religion, but caste, but sub-caste, community, what deity we worship, what festivals we observe, which communities we are hostile against and so on and so forth,” Adhikari added. “They even went to the extent of predicting the guest list for our wedding and various caste and sub-caste representations of the probable attendees.”

“It was a very weird situation, because I always regarded myself as an Indian. Thankfully, these TV news journalists provided me this information in the nick of time – details that weren’t available or talked about even on social media,” said Adhikari. “Her grandfather was overjoyed on learning an entire encyclopedia about my social background that he wanted us to get engaged right then. So here I am – Engaged! I owe these journalists big time, yaar!” a gleaming Adhikari flaunted his engagement ring.

When asked if the media described any more information on him, Adhikari replied, “Oh yeah! They also said that I was a non-Jat bridgegroom-to-be!”

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Interstellar Impact: NASA, ISRO begin to research Ashutosh’s tweets

November 10, 2014, 6:03 pm
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While Christopher Nolan’s latest offering to mankind, Interstellar has left many all over the world reeling in awe, space agencies NASA and ISRO have taken cue and have begun to seriously inspect the incoherent tweets of Aam Aadmi Party leader Ashutosh. The announcement was made in grand fashion, on Twitter, by India’s Mars Rover. “Hey @MarsCuriosity, #FF @Ashutosh83B,” tweeted India’s @MarsOrbiter.

(Image via Economic Times)

“NASA administrator Charles Bolden and I just met a while ago and we were going over The Ashu’s bizarre tweets. One or two such tweets can be counted as aberrations. But beyond that, we believe that there is surely something intriguing. In Interstellar parlance, at this point, we’d truly like to believe that “THEY” are trying to communicate with us, through The Ashutosh. So far, he’s tweeted A, Y, Ka and Ra. As of now, we presume that there’s a planet in the best case or a galaxy in the worst case, called Aykara somewhere in the universe, that has planets capable of supporting human life,” ISRO Chairman K Radhakrishnan told The UnReal Times.

“We’ll also be summoning your columnist Ashwin Kumar, Railway Committee chairman Bibek Debroy and tweeter @diogeneb to work brute force and generate a list of all possible anagrams of Aykara to see if any of them make sense,” Radhakrishnan added, “Not just this. We are also looking into what the ’83B’ in his handle can denote – does it indicate some kind of coordinates of a location that “THEY” are trying to lead us to? Or is there another solar system that is shaped like how this alphanumeric code looks?”

“Also, if we consider 83B to be in hexadecimal, the decimal equivalent is 2107 – is this year that planet earth will perish? Or is this the distance we’ll have to travel from earth to get some leads? Also, the sum of the digits in the number is equal to the center of the number – what does this really mean? There are so many such unanswered questions we’ve got right now, that even Arnab Goswami won’t be able to outnumber. Nolan’s really got us hooked with this one!” a bewildered Charles Bolden continued.

Former Delhi Chief Minister and AAP chief Arvind Kejriwal, however, strongly opposed the research undertaken by NASA and ISRO. In a strong letter to Bolden and Radhakrishnan, Kejriwal suggested that it was much better that PM Narendra Modi be researched instead, owing to this picture of Modi along with a mutant, that Kejriwal enclosed with the letter.

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Man who spotted typo in latest issue of Paper magazine featuring Kim Kardashian, to be given Nobel

November 12, 2014, 11:42 pm
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The Nobel Committee has decided to confer the next year’s Nobel Prize for Literature to Sheldon Blooper, a California-based gentleman, for spotting a typo in the latest issue (NSFW) of the Paper magazine, whose cover captures Kim Kardashian in, uh, a rear rare frame of mind.

(Image via Gawker.com)

“I know you guys are wondering how spotting a typo qualifies for a Nobel for Literature,” said Swedish Academy chairman, Peter Englund. “But when you think about it, you’ve got Kim Kardashian first trying to balance a cup on her posterior, then baring it all in an attempt to break in the internet and then…” Englund trailed off, seeming lost for a while, before suddenly snapping back to reality. “Sorry, what was I saying?”

According to sources, after the feat was nominated for Nobel, judges sat down with copies of the issue of the magazine, in order to verify if Blooper had indeed corrected the typo. But after several hours, when none of the comittee members could go past the cover, they decided to award him the Nobel anyway, and quickly dispersed with their copy of the issue.

“This guy deserves to be knighted,” Englund added. “We’ve sent a proposal to her majesty, seeking the same. Not only has he read the words in the issue, but he has actually spotted a typo! The highest possible honor for this guy, is to be officially anointed God, but for the moment, he deserves nothing less than the Nobel for litereture.”

When The UnReal Times rang up Blooper and asked if he thought he deserved the prize, he said, “I think I’ve done more than that Obama chap, and they gave him the Nobel peace prize. So yeah, I sure deserve it,” thereby shutting us up effectively.

Meanwhile, Paper magazine, has offered Blooper the job of their literary editor. “This guy’s work ethic is unparalleled. He found a typo in an issue that even I haven’t read yet. He’s truly a godsend,” editor Mickey Boardman said. Sources also added that The Times of India is on the brink of cancelling its deal with The Huffington Post and has reached out to Paper for partnership talks.

PS: How many of you noticed the two (intentional) typos we made in this piece in the 3rd and 4th paras? And the pic is not even NSFW!

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LEAKED: Gmail inbox of Rohit Sharma after his world record of 264

November 13, 2014, 8:02 pm
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Rohit Sharma broke 7 records on the way to 264, the highest score in the history of ODIs. Once people realized that there’s an India Sri Lanka series going on, they took to their computers / smartphones to congratulate the talented batsman. We, on the other hand, figured out a way to get hold of a snapshot of his inbox.

(Click on image for larger size)

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ISRO job aspirant mentions “Understood Interstellar” as skill in resume

November 14, 2014, 8:03 pm
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Christopher Balan, an engineering graduate from Bengaluru, has amused recruiters at the Indian Space Research Organisation, by mentioning “Understood Interstellar” as a part of his curriculum vitae, under the “achievements and skills” section.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“Hell yes, I have! Why shouldn’t I? Things that people usually list under the skills and achievements section – like winning some competition or some best paper award or topping in school – these are things that are banal at best. Whereas understanding Nolan’s Interstellar is like calling Arnab Goswami a liar on his face – not everyone does it!” Balan told The UnReal Times.

“So it is definitely something to be proud of and I see no reason why it shouldn’t be highlighted as a great achievement of mine. I know all the fundas behind this movie. In fact, even if Nolan himself has some doubt, he can ask me and I’ll be glad to explain it to him,” he added.

An amused ISRO chairman K Radhakrishnan acknowledged that they had indeed received Balan’s resume. “Yes, the resume is with us. I was busy tracking what Mangalyaan is doing when our recruiters called me up to mention this news. I asked them to forward his resume to me and well, it’s quite interesting,” Radhakrishnan said.

“I think we will shortlist him for an interview, considering that Interstellar is a movie which many of us ourselves didn’t really understand. This’ll also be a good session for us to get all our doubts clarified, whether or not we’re going to hire him,” he added.

Catching up with the news, Headlines Today consulting editor Rajdeep Sardesai too, claimed that he understood Interstellar properly and that people could ask him anything about the movie. When asked a pertinent question, Rajdeep immediately replied, “Read my book!”

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Azam Khan to adopt Surat Airport under “Sansad Gram Yojana” after airline-buffalo accident

November 15, 2014, 5:40 pm
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Visibly moved by the plight of buffaloes in Surat Airport, Samajwadi Party leader and UP minister Azam Khan has announced that he will be adopting it under Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s “Sansad Gram Yojana,” that calls on Members of Parliament to adopt villages in their constituencies.

Though there were technical hurdles relating to the fact that only an MP can adopt a village and that too, only in his constituency, the PMO has announced that it will make exceptions for Khan. “Yeah, there are rules like that, but we’ve never seen a state leader so enthusiastic about adopting an area under this scheme. Since this scenario is unprecedented, we’re allowing Azam bhai to adopt an airport, that too in Surat, which is way outside his constituency,” a PMO official told The UnReal Times.

A minute, later, however, the official gingerly said, “Okay okay, let me tell the truth. If we deny him his request, he’ll simply go around wailing that he’s not allowed to adopt the airport because he is a Muslim, yaar! Painful chap!”

An elated Khan, however, is all geared up and raring to go, in his mission of giving the airport a makeover. “I don’t care even if flights don’t have terminals to rest in,” Khan said, “but these poor buffaloes should. In the near future, each buffalo will have a dedicated terminal to itself. We will build new terminals for flights on a need-to-need basis.”

“I will set up a special, smooth travel facility for those who want to go abroad on study tours. From my personal experiences, I am also going to improve security checks around here and will make it hassle free, as far as going to the flights is concerned. People can even carry live bullets to the airplanes, no problem with that!” Khan added, “But I will not let anyone dare to get near the buffaloes without the state’s top cops and police force accompanying them.”

When asked whether taking care of an airport so far away would impact his involvement in active politics, Khan smiled and said, “Ah, that’s okay! I’m just an item girl in politics, anyway!”

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Kota opens “pre-Interstellar” coaching classes to help people understand movie better

November 17, 2014, 5:59 pm
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The city of Kota in Rajasthan, synonymous with “IIT coaching hub,” has added yet another tuition center to its list, this time a “pre-Interstellar” training institute. The institute, being the first of its kind, will impart, in a crash course, significant and appropriate lessons in various concepts of physics and astronomy that are prerequisites for watching Christopher Nolan’s latest magnum opus, Interstellar. Nolan, who has had a string of successes right from Memento, The Prestige to the Batman trilogy and Inception, has wowed audiences all over, once again, with Interstellar.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“Ever since the movie released, we’ve been hearing reports that a majority of those who saw it did not understand it. But for us veterans with years of research and experience, it was a piece of cake,” eminent professors in Kota told The UnReal Times. “Sensing that there is clearly another coaching opportunity here, we decided to open the Pre-Interstellar Tuition Yard (PITY) and within 2 hours, we already received over thousands of registrations. We’ll likely be teaching batches of 200 movie goers each,” said founder Prof. Punt.

“PITY will be opened near Fun Cinemas, Kota, so that people can go and watch the movie right after the training session. PITY will offer a 1-week crash course in the concepts of Artificial Gravity, Spinning Black Holes, Wormholes, Gravitational Time Dilation and Five-Dimensional Reality, the ones that are central to understanding Interstellar. We’ll be charging INR 200 per concept, so the entire package comes at INR 1000 900! 10% discount for those who take the full package!” Prof Punt added.

“We already conducted a pilot training session and our success rate has been 99% – 99 out of 100 movie goers who attended our tuition classes easily understood the movie!” a gleaming Prof. Punt exclaimed, “The next idea we have is a post-Interstellar course, where we’ll coach those who’ve still not understood the movie even after our coaching.”

Sources claimed that Ghajini director AR Murugadoss and actor Aamir Khan were spotted at the center, registering for the course, though there has been no official confirmation yet.

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Lufthansa Airlines asked to rename itself in Sanskrit to continue operations in India

November 17, 2014, 9:20 pm
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Image via indiatoday.com

Following the decision of the HRD ministry to cancel German in Kendriya Vidyalayas and replace it with Sanskrit, the Civil Aviation Ministry too, has sent a notice to German Airline Lufthansa, ordering it to rename itself in Sanskrit if it wants its operations to be allowed to continue on Indian soil.

“Why should we allow German names to be thrust upon our runways? Almost all Indians who go to Germany on work or studies end up learning German as it is difficult to survive there without the language. So why should we make things easy for Germans in our country? All we’re asking is, that those carriers of Lufthansa that fly to India, have to be named in Sanskrit. I’ve been told that Luft means air, so they can try Vayu Vaahana or something like that,” Civil Aviation Minister Ashok Gajapathi Raju told The UnReal Times. “Keeping this in mind, we’re also going to make things much easier for Indonesia’s Garuda airlines,” Raju added.

There has, however, been a series of disagreements in the BJP camp over the decision. “I think asking them to rename their airline is Sanskrit is a bit too much. All that was needed was that the airline have its name printed in Hindi, instead of English, on its carriers to India. Hindi is weaning at an alarming rate, so airlines should be asked to print their names on carriers in Hindi,” said Union Home Minister Rajnath Singh. “Also, there is nothing awesome about Germany. Our ancient chariot-makers were much more skilled than Germany’s automobile engineers,” Singh added.

The party’s stance further eased down, with BJP leader Subramanian Swamy declaring, “No need of any such language imposition. Just make Lufthansa’s India officers and India-bound pilots sign a declaration that their ancestors are Hindus. That is more than enough!” Swamy tweeted.

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Baba Ramdev gives up Z-category security, requests for team of armed Godman Rampal followers instead

November 18, 2014, 5:38 pm
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Yoga guru Baba Ramdev, who was recently granted Z-category security by the Centre, has given it up and has requested for a team of heavily armed and violent Godman Rampal followers instead.

(Image via IndiaToday.com)

“I didn’t want a repetition of the Salwar kameez incident ever in my life again, so the centre was kind enough to grant me Z-category security. In fact, Robert Vadra immediately sent me a friend request on Facebook when he had heard of the news and he even invited me to join ‘The Z Sec-ians’ FB group,” Baba Ramdev told The UnReal Times.

“But looking at the way Sant Rampal’s followers have defended him, it looks like even a US airstrike cannot nab him! They’ve mercilessly injured anyone who has even tried to come near the ashram. Now who wouldn’t want security like that?” the Yoga guru added, “So I wrote to the Centre and told them that I don’t want their security.”

“I’ve requested for about 20 armed followers of his. No conditions on what they should be like, really. Even in case of homosexuals, I will cure their disease using pranayaam,” Ramdev said.

Meanwhile, Sant Rampal’s followers have reportedly been trying to rent Asaram Bapu bots on Twitter to tweet in favor of their leader. “Just one trend like #FreeSantRampal or #UnfairTargetingOfSantRampal every alternate day should be enough. It will also be a nice change for these bots, to tweet something else,” a Rampal follower apparently requested.

The mainstream media too, began to severely criticize Haryana CM Manohar Lal Khattar for inept handling of the situation, with damning headlines like “BREAKING: NON-JAT Haryana CM proves completely ineffective!”

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Salman Khurshid alleges that Koala which met Modi was also flown from India

November 18, 2014, 11:19 pm
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(Image via indiatoday.com)

After claiming that the large crowds that attended Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s speeches abroad were likely flown from India, former Union Minister and Congress leader Salman Khurshid has now alleged that even the Koala that the PM briefly cuddled at the G-20 summit, was specially transported from India.

“It is easy to catch a koala from one of the Indian forest reserves, transport it to Australia and get it to cuddle him in front of the camera,” scoffed Khurshid. “If you don’t believe me, check its flight ticket for Gods sake.”

When we pointed out that koalas are endemic to Australia, and that it is unlikely the PM would have found one in India, the former external affairs minister called this correspondent a guttersnipe and got his guards to throw him out of his bungalow.

Former Bihar CM, Nitish Kumar, too took the opportunity to slam PM Modi over unfulfilled promises. “What happened to all that pre-election bluster about bringing back black money? Modi couldn’t bring even a koala back to India. All he was allowed to do is tickle it under its ear while someone else holds it!” Nitish said.

Meanwhile, AAP convenor, Arvind Kejriwal has already written the following letter to the World-wide Fund for Nature (WWF) and a host of other international organizations working for preservation of endangered species.

To
The Chairperson
WWF

Dear Sir/Madam,

That the koalas are an endangered species is well known. A photograph of BJP’s Narendra Modi corrupting a Koala’s delicate constitution is doing the rounds. The photo is attached herewith. Please notice the terror-struck expression on the Koala’s face, and the villainous delight on Modi’s face. We request you to investigate.

Yours sincerely,
Arvind Kejriwal.

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Stray dog, cow become first users of “Auto Lane” in Bengaluru road

November 19, 2014, 6:00 pm
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A dog and a cow that strayed on to the newly segregated “Auto Lane” on the Rashtriya Vidyalaya Road in the Jayanagar area of Bengaluru have ended up achieving a unique distinction, that of becoming the first users of the lane, according to onlookers.

“I come every morning and sit on a bench in the park adjoining the road and while away my day there,” Basavappa, a senior citizen in the area told The UnReal Times. I have been observing the road ever since the ‘auto lane’ was created, and not a single soul has used it. Various auto drivers slowed down, looked at the sign at the beginning of the lane and continued driving on the main lane. Finally, around the evening, I finally saw sign of activity in the lane – a stray dog entered the lane and after ambling for a bit, clearly thrilled that there were no vehicles on the lane, lay down and slept blissfully.”

“Minutes later, a cow that usually used to sleep on the middle of the road, looked momentarily confused at the segregation before crossing over and settling in the auto lane. These two have been the only users of the lane so far,” Basavappa added. “Bengaluru is known for its motorists who usually don’t spare even the footpaths and ride on them skillfully, but it was shocking to see that even they didn’t show interest in entering this lane and preferred to overtake cars and lorries in the main lane.”

According to sources, the Bangalore Development Authority later received a call from Sonia Gandhi’s son-in-law and private citizen Robert Vadra, enquiring about the lane. “This lane that you guys have developed, since no one is using it, will you still be needing that stretch of land?” Vadra apparently asked, before exploding into a rage, screaming “Are you serious? Are you serious? Are you nuts?” when told that the BDA would continue to maintain it as an auto lane.

Home Minister K George, however, lashed out at the cow and the dog. “These bloody animals are occupying that lane only for TRPs. I urge the media not to sensationalize such things,” George said.

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Missing Joginder Sharma – MS Dhoni’s column for The UnReal Times

November 20, 2014, 9:43 pm
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Inspired by Harsha Bhogle’s column ‘Missing Virender Sehwag’, Indian skipper Dhoni has penned his own thoughts on yesteryear T20 bowling legend, Joginder Sharma, the man who won us our one and only T20 World Cup and ushered in the IPL era. Here it is:

Well, of course, I think I am missing Joginder Sharma. To be fair, this is a wonderful bunch of young bowlers and they are carrying the baton delivered to them by an extraordinary group. I find Ashwin most pleasing to the eye, Dhaval Kulkarni’s 4-wicket haul was an audacious spell that stretched our imagination, the fielding is better than it has been and there are batsmen out there who don’t aspire to be pinch-hitters. And I will tell people when I am old that I saw Ishant Sharma bowl. Okay, just kidding. Hehe! Cricket is still great fun but I am missing Jogi.

Jogi had me standing calm when everyone else on earth was on the edge of his or her seat. Always. It was like watching a thriller except that when you watched it the next time, I always knew what the ending was going to be. He was jaw-dropping, he was hair-wrenching to you, but reassuring and pacifying to me. You rolled your eyes and you threw your head back. I smiled, did some stretches, adjusted my gloves and squatted. You looked at the scoreboard and it always showed you a decreasing number of runs required to win. I whistled songs and continued keeping. He could be exhilarating, he could be frustrating. He took you on a joyride and he laughed while you held on to your seat in fright.

I always thought Jogi played cricket the way I always wanted it to be played. The victories happened – the crucial wicket of Misbah-Ul-Haq in the last over in 2007. That was an over to be cherished for life and you only need that to explain Jogi, or to fight his case in an argument. Nothing more! In cricket’s most native form, the bowler bowls to get a batsman out and the batsman plays to hit the ball. You got the feeling Jogi didn’t worry beyond that or for that matter, worry about anything. You hardly ever analyzed Jogi’s spells, you just enjoyed them while biting your fingernails.

But he wasn’t a plain lucky bowler. Talking to him about cricket, and sadly those moments were too rare, you always came away thinking you had spoken to someone with an uncluttered, confident mind. “The team is always scared, only you’re not, Mahi bhai” he once said, “but the batsman too, mustn’t be. He must think, ‘if Jogi bowls a good ball, where will I smash it’ and then not arriving at a decision when I bowl a bad ball, he should do an epic goof-up like Misbah did.” The thinking behind that is amusing and it has the complexity that is mind-blowing. If the batsman knows the bowler is going to bowl straight, he isn’t afraid of giving himself room and going for the big shots. But he is most likely to play a stupid shot when he is afraid of the consequences of chasing a wide ball.

We often talk, in sport, of throwing confusion to the enemy camp. Often we get that far because of the confusion in our own mind. A tense cricket match is as much about psychological skill as it is about physically playing the game. There is scarcely a carefree mind on a big day, apart from mine. Maybe that is why Jogi was the least feared man in an India-Pakistan match. He played with a smile, with a song on his lips but also with a calm mind, letting confusion brew within the opposition, despite being smashed for boundaries. After bowling a wide ball and getting hit for a six, he took a wicket. It would have been interesting to have measured his pulse, especially in relation to everyone else’s. Except mine, of course.

He told us, too, that it was okay to get smashed in the last over, to get hit over the top and in doing so, he re-calibrated risk for all of us. We were always told, by coaches, commentators and former players, that not having your strike bowler bowl the last over was inviting defeat. For years we accepted that as the gospel, like good boys we didn’t challenge it.

But Jogi happily got hit over the top, and then bowled into the gap beside the batsman’s leg stump whereas everyone else confined themselves to seeking the gap between the stumps. Yes, it was still risky but with only one wicket remaining, it was nowhere near as threatening as everyone believed it was. And the rest is history.

And so he has left behind a treasure of good cheer. Which among those spells was his best? The answer is obvious. Would any batsman in the world get tricked into playing a stupid scoop shot after a wide and a confident 6 against a target that had only so rarely been achieved in cricket history? Jogi often talks about bowling the last over, not the ball or to the batsman. Surely it had to be that way that day!

I don’t know how much I am going to see of him. I was absolutely relieved that he recovered from his accident but what of cricket? Maybe the eyes won’t see the wicket the same way, maybe the feet will be heavier, maybe the mind won’t be as filled with freedom. Maybe there will be some fear, after all, in the mind of the batsman batting.

Age is catching up. You wonder if you are listening to the last bars of a lilting melody. You wonder if it is time to leave the theater. I don’t know but if it is, it’s been an unforgettable ride.

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In Pictures: How Manohar Parrikar got even with Bilawal Bhutto and Pakistan

November 21, 2014, 8:42 pm
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Spurred by Bilawal’s rants, Pakistan rangers have been repeatedly violated ceasefire on LoC and the International border, putting Defense Minister Manohar Parrikar under pressure from day 1. How did Parrikar respond?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ab aayega mazaa! = Now we’ll have fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sigh. These guys will never reform.

(Image thumbnail sources: 4a, 8b, 17, 19b. Rest via indiatoday.com)

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COMIC: When Birbal Jha accused Chetan Bhagat of plagiarism

November 23, 2014, 7:16 pm
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An English scholar from Bihar has claimed that banker-turned-author Chetan Bhagat lifted the plot of his latest novel, Half Girlfriend, from his bilingual play, Englishia Boli. While it is yet to be seen how this might affect Bhagat’s reputation, how did Jha’s claim affect his own standing in literary circles?

 

 

 

(Image thumbnail sources: 1a, 2b, 4a. Rest via indiatoday.com)

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