The opening tunes of Koffee with Karan play, as the camera zooms in on the suave Karan Johar sipping his coffee with casual elegance.
(Images via indiatoday.intoday.in)
Karan (looks up after another sip): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Our guests tonight are two of the most charming personalities in their respective fields. Lakhs of fans swoon over their dimples, and crores laugh at their intellect. Please put your hands together, for Rahul Gandhi and Alia Bhatt.
The camera pans to the staircase, where Rahul Gandhi and Alia Bhatt enter from either side. Rahul Gandhi, dressed in a simple, white Kurta, wears a wide grin on his face, while Alia, looking ravishing in a long, black gown, smiles demurely. Rahul waves to Karan energetically, while Alia walks down more elegantly.
Alia (still walking down the stairs): Karan, I still can’t believe I’m coming here once again, despite all the humiliation that has happened to me on this show and even during my intro on this very episode.
Karan (giggles): Haha! That’s the advantage of being the one who introduced you into films, darling! You can never cancel on me!(winks at her)
Alia makes a face at Karan. Rahul rolls his sleeves up and reaches Karan who greets him with a bear hug and a peck on his dimple. Rahul continues grinning.
Karan: So for the first time, the very hot and sexy Rahul Gandhi is appearing on Koffee with Karan. What an honour it is for me!
Rahul, still grinning, takes his seat.
Karan turns towards Alia, who extends her arms, all set to hug. But Karan joins his hands in a Namaste, and gestures towards the couch.
Karan: Please have a seat, Alia.
Alia is momentarily stunned, but recovers quickly and takes her seat.
Karan (makes himself comfortable on his couch, and turns to Rahul): Alright Rahul, who are you sleeping with?
Rahul (rolls his sleeves up): To know who Rahul Gandhi is sleeping with, you have to first know who Rahul Gandhi is.. and what Rahul Gandhi is all about. I am sure you have many questions Karan, but it is to answer these questions that our government brought in the RTI, the Right to Information Act – it is a game changer.
Karan (shaking his head with a smile): Aaah, you’re very cleverly escaping the question, darling! Alright, let me ask Alia, who is Rahul Gandhi sleeping with?
Alia stares at Karan blankly.
Karan: Aaaaah wait a second. Alia, who is Rahul Gandhi? (smiles mischievously and takes a sip from his coffee mug)
Alia (stares blank at Karan for a few seconds): The son…no, wait…grandson of Mahatma Gandhi? (covers her face and turns away)
Karan: Hahahaha! Mahatma Gandhi? Oh God! See Rahul, you have lakhs of girls swooning over you, but here’s one who doesn’t know who you are!
Rahul: Karan, it is not important if women know or do not know who Rahul Gandhi is. What women need, is to be empowered. The system needs to be open, women and youth need to be brought in to the system.
Karan (looks confused for a few moments): Ohhh..kayyyy..Rahul, now tell me, does it bother you when you see that youth make so much fun of you?
Rahul (grins widely): What Rahul Gandhi thinks about youth is, that they are not a part of the system. The system needs to be opened, and youth must be brought in to shape the paradigm.
Karan (decides he’s had enough, turns to Alia): Alright, Alia, did it ever embarrass you when it was revealed that your father plagiarized tweets from Harvard Business Review?
Alia (clueless): from where?
Karan: Ohhhhhhh (gives an evil smile) Harvard Business Review, Alia. Should I repeat it again? (winks)
Alia(angry smile): No!
Karan: Well, if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, this sure is. Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be back for the rocking rapid fire round!
Alia (takes a cushion, hides her face behind it): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rahul continues to grin.
Karan: Alright, it’s time for the rocking rapid fire round! Rahul, let’s begin with you…What did you think of Humpty Sharma ki Dulhania?
Rahul: What I think is, it’s complete nonsense. It ought to be thrown into the dustbin and torn apart!
Karan: Ohh kkkaayyy that’s not very kind! If you woke up this morning as Digvijaya Singh, you would have?
Rahul: This morning…hmmm…woken up…at night!
Karan: Haha! Ok…The actress with the highest sex appeal – Parineeti, Alia, Deepika, Priyanka, Kareena, Katrina or Anushka?
Rahul: Alia…she has the escape velocity of Jupiter!
Alia: Of what?
Karan (covers his mouth with his Galaxy tab): Haha! Oh God! Ok ..describe Bollywood in one sentence
Rahul: Bollywood ..is everywhere…it’s in your shirt, it’s in your pant! It’s everywhere!
Karan (giggles): Haha! Wonderful, alright, the last question – At gunpoint, you are forced to have a gay encounter with someone! Whom would you choose?
Rahul (rolls his sleeves up): Let me ask you the same thing, whom would you choose?
Karan (stunned): I can’t answer that, darling, the question is for you! (after a pause, decides he’s had enough of Rahul) Anyway, that ends your rapid fire round.
Alia (pleading): Please, give him the hamper! I am not taking part in this round!
Karan: Haha! Okay, Rahul Gandhi wins the hamper. Now to the even better part – the Koffee quiz!!!
Alia (trembling): Oh Godddddd !! Can we go back to the rapid fire itself, please?
Karan throws the buzzers at his two guests. Alia catches one, while the other hits Rahul squarely on his face. Rahul wakes up from his nap and looks about, dazed.
Karan: Wake up, Rahul! Alright, here are your buzzers, here we go! Who invented computers?
Alia: MARK ZUCKERBERG!
Rahul: RAJIV GANDHI!
Karan: Wrong! Charles Babbage!
Rahul: Sorry, Galti se mistake ho gaya! (rolls his sleeves up)
Alia: What cabbage?
Karan (laughs): Babbage, darling! Next: Who is known as the Nightingale of India?
Alia: YO YO HONEY SINGH!
Karan (bursts out laughing, falls off his sofa, Rahul grins): Okay, let me ..haha (catches his breath again)..continue …who is known as the father of the nation?
Alia and Rahul (shout together): ARNAB GOSWAMI!
Karan (chokes in laughter, coughs incessantly): Oh my God! -3 -3 !!!! Okay, what is the Higgs-Boson particle?
Alia (stares): Not fair!
Rahul: It is a state of mind!
Karan (chuckles): -4 -4 !!!! Okay, last question, darlings! What did Sir Isaac Newton discover when an apple fell on his head?!
Alia: Apple? iPhone !!!! iPhone !!!!!
Rahul: No no no …iPad !!
Karan (shakes his head in uncontrollable laughter): Alright darlings, I’m sorry, none of you win the Koffee Quiz and I shall keep this package with me! Thank you so much for coming on Koffee With Karan and for letting me win!
We will now view footages of what people have to say about you.
The trio proceed to watch a video compilation of adulatory messages from Mani Shankar Aiyar, Sanjay Jha, Rajeev Shukla, Digvijaya Singh and Mahesh Bhatt, Varun Dhawan, Arjun Kapoor etc much to assuage the battered souls of the two guests. Fade out.
