There is hardly a doubt about the fact that the results of the Gujarat Assembly Elections will have a seminal impact on politics in the run up to the 2014 General Elections. The UnReal Times, along with one of the most perspicacious minds of the country, former Indian cricketer turned colorful BJP MP Navjot Singh Sidhu, analyzed the results. Here are the transcripts:
Ashwin (grandly): Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The UnReal Times studio and…
Sidhu: Hahahahahaha…
Ashwin (perplexed): Er… what’s wrong, Sherry?
Sidhu: Oops, I thought this was the Great Indian Laughter Challenge and by sheer force of habit, began to laugh before the joke!
Ashwin: Er…let’s just assume it kinda is… Right then – The Gujarat elections. A very important one, but a pretty obvious & one-sided contest, Sherry? It was always Modi all the way!
Sidhu: Absolutely, my friend! Look, the past is the best prophet to predict the future. We rate ability in men by not what they attempt but by what they achieve. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm, my friend, but the wind and the waves belong to the ablest navigator.
Ashwin: Hmm. I see. Let’s welcome Swapan Dasgupta, who is with us on video!
Swapan (with a wide grin): Hello! Pleasure to be on your panel, Ashwin.
Ashwin: Sir, in this election, Modi has been a lot more aggressive than usual, hasn’t he? What with openly daring Sonia Gandhi to come to Gujarat and all, he really has given it the full monty, so to speak, don’t you think?
Swapan: Definitely, it’s the embodiment of the aspirations of the urban middle class who want a narrative ecompassing globalization…
Sidhu (interrupting): Swapan, my friend, in the orchard of opportunity, you can’t wait for the fruit to drop. As for daring Sonia Gandhi, well, absolutely. “Come to my parlour!” said the spider to the fly.
(Sidhu thumps the desk, folds hands, smiles triumphantly and rolls his moustache)
Swapan: Haha, yes and…
Sidhu (interrupting again): He is so aggressive, he will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
(Sidhu enthusiastically thumps Ashwin on his back, knocking him off his chair)
Swapan (shocked): What nonsense, yaar? I’m outta here! Even Arnab lets me speak, but this turban – not a word !
Sidhu (laughs hysterically): hahahahahaha!
Ashwin (gets up after a few seconds, still shaken): Well, let’s come to the Congress, Sherry. Not even naming a CM candidate, they seemed totally confused all along.
Sidhu: Ashwin, my friend, they are so timid, they wouldn’t say boo to a goose. Fear is the dark room where negatives are developed. Fear multiplies faster than rabbits. The side that overcomes fear; that soaks in the hostility like a sponge, will succeed.
Ashwin: Also, things like Digvijaya Singh equating Modi to Raavan, the demon, not so long ago, would’ve helped..
Sidhu: Well, Digvijaya my friend, if you are dining with the demon, you’ve got to have a long spoon!
Ashwin: Uh-huh. (turns back to the camera) Joining us in the studio is the one and only Yogendra Yadav. Yogi ji, we thought you’d retired as a psephologist ever since you joined the AAP?
Yogendra Yadav (shifting uncomfortably): Well, I thought I could do caste analysis for AAP, but Arvind wanted me to instead work on putting together documents for exposes…
Ashwin: Anyway, what is your reading about the Gujarat Elections?
Yogendra Yadav: Look Rajdeep..
Ashwin (interrupting): er.. my name is Ashwin..
Yogendra Yadav: Yeah, whatever. There’s a definite caste factor in this elections. For instance, it seems the swing for Modi from Patels was… (suddenly pauses to think. The others stare at him. Yogendra scratches his beard and then his head with both hands and throws up his hand in frustration) Oh chuck it all. All Gujjus swing in Modi’s favour. Hey, hold on. If you take the Lohmar Patels, who are a sub-sub caste of the Loha Patels, there was a ..
(Suddenly, two security guards yank Yogendra out of his char and drag him away as he screams, “Let me complete my caste-analysis, waaah!”)
Ashwin (eyeing Yogendra warily): Right… well, sorry about that. We now have with us someone to speak on behalf of the Congress. (turns to his right) Welcome to Unreal studio Mr. Sanjay Jha.
Sanjay Jha (ignoring the greeting): This is a great day for the nation. Today a hard fought victory was won in Gujarat by the Congress and..
Ashwin (interrupting): Uh..you mean the BJP
Sanjay Jha (glares at Ashwin): No, I mean the Congress. (turns back to the camera): Today the Congress won a tremendous victory in Gujarat, and all credit must go to Rahul Baba…
Ashwin: Wait, wait.. how in the world has Congress won?
Sanjay Jha (irritated): Of course he’s won. Aren’t you familiar with the multiverses?
Ashwin: The what?
Sanjay Jha: There are an infinite number of universes at any point of time, and they are constantly splitting. Right now, even as we speak, there are an infinite number of universes where Gujarat Congress workers are feeding sweets to our beloved leader Rahul Baba for leading us to victory
(Ashwin stares at him dumbfounded)
Ashwin (eventually recovering his wits): Er… ok… I take your point Mr. Jha. But for now, just for now, shall we limit our discussion to the universe we are currently in.
Sanjay Jha (ferociously): Even in this universe. Rahul Baba has helped us increase the seat tally by a huge margin.
Ashwin: How so? You won 62 in 2007. Now you have 62. You got exactly the same number of seats!
Sanjay Jha (scowls): What you don’t know is, because of the incompetence of the local leaders, we lost 20 seats. Rahul Baba’s intervention actually gained us all the 20 they lost. Get it?
Ashwin: But Sir, shouldn’t Rahul Baba take responsibility for the…
Sanjay Jha (interrupting): Wait a second. Let me make a phone call here
Ashwin: Er.. sure sir
(Sanjay Jha rings up someone on his phone, places his palm over the mouthpiece and mutters something into it. Unfortunately for him, his microphone is still on, and everyone can hear him say the following: “Look, this is beyond the scope of my assignment…. yeah.. but the results you projected were very different….look, all that is fine, but if you still want me to twist this as Rahul Gandhi’s victory, I need a massive pay rise…. what?? you want time to think about it?..hello.. hello”. He slips the phone back into his pocket and turns to the camera)
Sanjay Jha: Er.. I gotta go.
(He abruptly gets up and leaves.)
Ashwin: Well, that was that. Now back to the results. Sherry, another factor - gaffes from the Cong, which has plagiarized posters? Also, a huge thumbs down to cash transfer?
Sidhu: Of course, my friend! If the heavens throw you dates, you’ve got to keep your mouth open and that’s what Narendrabhai has done! As for the cash transfer, the public knows that there is always free cheese in a mousetrap!
Ashwin: There was quite a bit of hot air when Modi targeted Shashi Tharoor’s marriage to Mrs.Sunanda Pushkar. But Modi’s lucky to have gotten away with it, don’t you think?
Sidhu: Absolutely, my friend! Throw a lucky man in a deep sea and he will come out with fish in his mouth! My friend, marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter! To marry once is a folly, to marry twice is a blunder and to marry thrice is suicide!
Ashwin: Taking this to the national level, your opinion on Rahul Gandhi, Sherry? Should he be speaking more?
Sidhu: He is as innocent as freshly laid eggs and is wallowing in foolishness like a rhino in an African pool! Rusty brains don’t squeak, my friend! You cannot pee like a puppy when you are running with big dogs!
Ashwin: Hmm. Well, the chorus for Modi is growing louder, Sherry. Do you think Rahul Gandhi has any opportunity at all, to make amends?
Sidhu: The opportunity slipped from his hands long ago, like butter from hot paratha, my friend ..and right now, he is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition! The gap between Rahul Gandhi and sense is so much that I can drive a car through it, my friend! As of now, he is moving like an envelope without an address, taking his party nowhere. In Rahul Gandhi, there is light at the end of the tunnel for the Congress, but it’s that of an oncoming train which will run them over!
Ashwin: Hmm. Oncoming train… hot paratha… bum kicking competition… I wonder what Sonia ji will say about all this. Anyway, thank you so much, Sherry. One last question. If Modi becomes PM, what happens to Gujarat?
Sidhu: You can take Modi out of Gujarat but you cannot take the Gujju out of Modi, my friend.
(Ashwin faints. Fade out)