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A day after BJP cabinet minister from Madhya Pradesh, Kailash Vijayvargiya remarked that women who cross their Laxman Rekha will face consequences just like Sita crossed hers and was kidnapped by Ravana in the Indian epic Ramayana, he was summoned to the quarters of party president Nitin Gadkari for a one-on-one session. What transpired during the meeting? The UnReal Times correspondent Bharat Sanghi brings you the transcript:
The camera zooms in on a confident Vijayvargiya striding towards Gadkari’s office. He spots veteran BJP leader LK Advani emerging from Gadkari’s office and walking in his direction.
Vijayvargiya (cheerfully): Good morning, Sir!
LK Advani: Here to meet Nitin? Haha! This reminds me so much of my school days, when I’d get called to the principal’s office. It was terrifying! (pauses mid-step, as if something just struck him) Actually, I think I should blog about this. Chalo, all the best, bete!
The smile vanishes from Vijayvargiya’s face. His confident gait slows down. He reaches into his trousers to pull out a handkerchief and wipes the beads of sweat on his forehead. He gazes upwards, folds his trembling hands, stammers ‘Hey Ram’, and tentatively knocks on Gadkari’s door. The door opens abruptly. A Domino’s Pizza delivery boy steps out, smiles at him and darts past him. Vijayvargiya peeks into the room, and to his surprise finds Mrs. Sushma Swaraj.
Sushma Swaraj (bellows): Arre, aise chor ki tarah kyun dekh rahe ho, Kailash bhai?? AAO ANDAR! Aaj hum tumhari mangal aarti karne wale hain!
Vijayvargiya gulps, trips over the door’s frame, and falls down. “Sambhal ke bhai, sambhal ke,” says a rather soft male voice to his left. On all fours, he turns and finds a pair of gigantic legs tapping the ground rhythmically. His eyes slowly trace upwards, past the bare legs, the gigantic thighs, the rather taut khaki shorts, the enormous torso, to the cherubic face of BJP President Nitin Gadkari, gorging on a slice of Domino’s Cheese Burst pizza, molten cheese dripping from the slice onto his shorts.
Sushma Swaraj (loudly): Arre, aap aaraam se pizza khaayiye, Gadkari ji! Isko main sambhaaloongi!
Nitin Gadkari (chomping on the slice): No, no Sushmaji. Aap jaayiye, main dekhloonga isko.
Sushma Swaraj takes a deep breath and proceeds to throw a bloodcurdling stare at Vijayvargiya. Luckily for him, she is interrupted by a Hare Krishna ringtone on her cellphone. She makes her way out of the room, dancing to the bhajan. Vijayvargiya sighs stands there, motionless. Gadkari adds oregano seasoning to the remnant portion of his slice and feasts on it for a few seconds.
Nitin Gadkari (eyes closed, sways in pleasure as he chomps on): Mmmmm…Aaahh! Yummmm! (opens his eyes to find Vijayvargiya staring at him) Oh! Tum! Aao aao, beitho!
Vijayvargiya (trembling): N..n..nahi Sir…t..t…theek hai…
Nitin Gadkari: Abe, yeh kya Manmohan Singh ki tarah theek hai, theek hai kah rahe ho… BEITHO!
Gingerly, Vijayvargiya lowers himself and seats himself on the very edge of the chair.
Nitin Gadkari: Hmm…pizza khaate ho kya?! cheese burst hai …Ekdum jhakaas!
Vijayvargiya: N..Nahin Sir… aap khaayiye!
Nitin Gadkari: (looks relieved) Okay…one minute, let me wash my hands and get some Diet Pepsi…
Vijayvargiya: Okay Sir (looks here and there, pulls out his handkerchief to wipe his forehead).
Nitin Gadkari (comes back, places one can of Diet Pepsi on the table, opens another one and takes a long swig before turning back to Vijayvargiya). Arre, itna pasina kyun choot raha hai bhai? AC chalaun kya?
Vijayvargiya: Nahin Sir ..nahin Sir ..rehne dijiye ..main theek hoon..
Nitin Gadkari: Okay (stretches his arms, rolls up his sleeves a bit and lands a good natured slap on Vijayvargiya’s shoulder) Toh bolo, Kailash bhai, kaise ho aaj kal?
Vijayvargiya: Theek hoon Sir
Nitin Gadkari (takes a sip of Diet Pepsi): Good. Kya karte rehte ho free time mein?
Vijayvargiya: err …free time mein, Sir…T…TV dekhta hoon Sir! TV!
Nitin Gadkari: Wah! The idiot box, hmm….kya dekhte ho TV mein?
Vijayvargiya: Ra ….Ramayan, Sir!
Nitin Gadkari: Excellent! (tries to take another swig from his can, realizes it is empty, and flings it out of the window) Chalo, thodi der TV dekhte hain !
Gadkari reaches for his remote and switches the TV on. CNN-IBN anchor Sagarika Ghose appears, interviewing Digvijaya Singh on his response to comments by various BJP leaders. Gadkari changes the channel. This time, it’s Barkha Dutt, who, close to tears, announces that Javed Miandad has cancelled his trip to India.
Nitin Gadkari: Oh! Miandad nahin aa raha hai! Kailash bhai, pata hai Miandad kaun hai?
Vijayvargiya: Umm…woh..woh …Pakistan cricketer Sir?
Nitin Gadkari: Haan… aur Dawood Ibrahim ka rishtedaar bhi! Dawood Ibrahim pata hai kaun hai? Wohi jiska IQ Swami Vivekanand jitna hai lekin kaam bilkul alag! HAHA! (bursts out laughing)
Vijayvargiya: Yes Sir. Hehe (joins in the laughter nervously)
As Vijayvargiya titters, Gadkari stares at him. All of a sudden, with an agility belying his size, he leaps forward and grabs Vijayvargiya’s face by the jaw.
Nitin Gadkari (stares at Vijayvargiya’s lips): Arre…yeh kya hai? Itni dryness?
Vijayvargiya (terror-struck): Sir…Sir..
Nitin Gadkari: Ek minute… mere paas ek acha sa lip gel hai… usko lagata hoon
Vijayvargiya (by now pale): Sir, please.. Sorry..Sorry..
Nitin Gadkari: Abe yaar ..fikar mat karo…. this is not Sagarika Ghose’s lipstick. Lip gel hai, dryness ke liye.
With what appears to be something other than lip gel, Gadkari draws a thick white line across Vijayvargiya’s lips from left ear to the right, and lets go of Vijayvargiya’s face.
A rather pale Vijayvargiya looks at his reflection in the mirror.
Vijayvargiya: Sir…yeh.. yeh..
Nitin Gadkari (look at him via the mirror and mutters menacingly): Har insaan ka ek laxman rekha hota hai, Kailash bhai. Us line ko cross nahin karna chaahiye.. samjhe?
Vijayvargiya opens and closes his mouth uselessly, unable to comprehend what just happened.
Nitin Gadkari (slams his fist on the table): SAMJHE?!?
Vijayvargiya (breaking into fits of sobs): Y..y..y…yes Sir…
Nitin Gadkari: Good… ab main teen tak ginunga. Uske pehle yahaan se kat lena! EK! DO!..
Vijayvargiya leaps up and rushes towards the door, tripping once again over the door’s frame. He doesn’t bother to get up and crawls on all fours until he gets round the corner, after which he gets up and runs for dear life, past a rather surprised Sushma Swaraj.
Sushma Swaraj (entering Gadkari’s room): What was that? (spots Gadkari’s fist bleeding and shrieks) HEY BHAGWAN! Your hand, Gadkari ji! Ramlal, doctor ko bulao! ABHI! ISI WAQT!
Nitin Gadkari: Chodiye na, Sushmaji… just a scratch… main theek hoon.
Sushma Swaraj (reluctantly walks out): Theek hai …take care! Let me know if you need anything!
The two leaders stare at the NDTV headline “Major blow to Modi as Gadkari injures fist”, shake their heads and chuckle. Sushma exits. Nitin stares fixedly at his table for a second before…
Nitin Gadkari (bellows): RAMLAL! DHOKLE LAO! Aur woh Rajasthani.. kya naam hai uska…Banwari Lal Singhal ko andar bhejo!
Ramlal: Jee Sir!
Gadkari washes his hands, returns to his chair and picks up the fork and knife. Fade out.